Planning

Planning…I’m not doing much of it right now. I don’t feel I can safely plan a trip anywhere. I have a thought about some place I’d like to go, but then it’s quickly dismissed due to not knowing how traveling will effect me.

Dave and I love Disney. We have made two trips there and I’m pretty sure we’d both love to go again. I know I couldn’t do the trip right now. But what about a year from now? Could I even safely begin to plan something like that? No. I don’t think so. And even if we did plan a trip a year or so down the road, how do I know that once we get there, I couldn’t stand in line that long. Can I ride my favorite rides? Can I sit in an enclosed space with hundred of other people? Can I even get on a plane? Right now…..I’d say “no”….and that’s sad.

We’d love to go to Scotland and right now that size of a trip is so daunting, I’d say it’ll never happen….and that’s sad.

Even a trip back to NY to visit my family is a daunting prospect. Could I handle the 11 hour drive in car? Right now….I’d have to say “no”. And even if I could endure the ride, I’d probably be so totally exhausted by the time we got there, I’d be a useless visitor and have to sit and rest so much it wouldn’t be fun for me, or my family. And that’s sad.

Dave and I haven’t even gone out to a restaurant to eat. Mostly due to my not knowing if I could do it and not feel horrible. I’d hate to make a reservation, only to get there, have the lights in the restaurant, or the colors, or the people and sounds bother my head and eyes that we’d have to leave. I don’t want to ruin my own time, as well as someone else’s. I feel like I’m not only holding myself back from enjoying life again,
but that I’m holding Dave back and I hate that.

I kind of know what my mother went through as she was trying to adjust to life with Crohn’s disease. She wouldn’t go out or travel because she never knew when an attack would strike and didn’t want to embarrass herself and ruin other people’s time. I completely understand that now. BUT, she was able to get her diet and health regulated so she can go out now and is enjoying her life at 80. I suppose I should take a cue from her and just learn to live my life again.

Starting with a long day-trip somewhere, then work our way up to an over-nighter and then maybe an out-of-state trip, might be the way to go, but I won’t know until I try it. Driving to work was a big step and it took me awhile to work my way up to where I felt confident I could do it.

I know I won’t know until I start DOING these things, but it’s scary when you DO know you can’t do some of those things and plan for them and may not be able to for a long time yet.

That’s my sob story for today. Boo, hoo.

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