Sometimes Too Much

There are several aneurysm survivor’s message boards/support groups out there online. While I was still in the hospital, I found it very comforting to talk to someone who was going through the same thing. If there were a local group here in Maine of people who survived aneurysms,  I’d probably be going to that as well.

But, for all the help, comfort and positive reinforcement I have been given on the message board I belong to, it can also be a bit scary. There are many survivors who have gone through, and continue to go through much worse after-effects and problems than I have. For those folks, I don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine living with multiple unruptured annies. Little time-bombs waiting to go off unless they can be
operated on. I had one…I just didn’t know it.

There are people who have gone through less than me as well. Some are lucky enough to have found their annies during a scan BEFORE they rupture and have the surgery. We all go through some of the same symptoms, but no two stories are exactly alike, which causes me some upset.

Although my last MRI looked good, I’m worried that something else will show up on my angiogram in April. Chances are it won’t, but because I read a lot of stories of people who go back for a check up and something shows up, it has caused some concern. I hate to worry about something that may not happen, and probably won’t, but reading all the stores makes me think about it, which in turn….well, it makes me worry. I don’t lose sleep over it, I just think about it and have a twinge of concern. I’m sure as soon as the date for my angiogram gets closer, I WILL think about it more.

Sometimes I just need to step away from the message aboard for a few days and remember how lucky I am and not read the horror stories. I know that seems horribly selfish, but I need to think about me now and what I have accomplished and not take a step back and let worry consume me. So far, it hasn’t, but who knows what’ll happen down the road. Hopefully nothing! And I need to concentrate on that.

Survivor’s guilt hits me when I read the stories of others who are still suffering so much after their annies have ruptured. Why am I different from them? What led my annie to bleed less than others? Again…we’re all different, but the common denominator, and the reason I keep going back to the boards, is that we’re all survivors! God bless everyone who’s had an annie…ruptured or not.

Over Did It

With the arrival of our new air jet tub yesterday, I really wanted to proceed with finishing the room. I haven’t been
much help at all in creating the room, other than giving my ideas and approvals. I had hoped to be far more involved, but the ruptured annie kind of put a monkey wrench into those plans.

Anyway! It was an ambitious under taking, but Dave and I wanted to stop at Lowes, Home Depot and a bath showroom today. I thought only one showroom and one big hardware store would do it, so it was the showroom and Lowes.

I did okay in the showroom, mostly because the amount of items displayed is fewer and their displays are very spread out. But Lowes pretty much did me in. We checked out some lighting (while wearing my sunglasses), then looked at fixtures, but I couldn’t do it anymore. We had planned on picking out paint color as well…didn’t happen. Frustrating. I did take some fruit and butter cookies with me as well as a big bottle of water and we stopped for lunch, but I didn’t help much as it usually does.

I had a pretty bad headache in the car on the way home and even an upset stomach. Not sure where that came from. I know I was tired from working yesterday, so I probably just bit off more than I could chew and did too much, but I really wanted to get some decisions made on the bathroom so we can get it completed. I know Dave must be a little frustrated because I haven’t been able to go with him to stores and pick things out. I know I am.

Maybe next weekend, or during the week we can get somewhere, but do it in smaller doses. We still have to take our Christmas decorations down!