Month: February 2007

A Poem

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This poem was posted on the Brain Aneurysm message board. Not by the author, but by another annie survivor.

I’ve been having a strange week. I’ve been thinking about my stay in the hospital for some reason. I have no idea why, but it has been depressing me and this poem just puts it all back in perspective. Couldn’t have been better timing. I hope the author doesn’t mind my posting it again.

Advent at Middle

I am no longer waiting for
A special occasion;
I burn the best candles on ordinary days

I am no longer waiting for
The house to be clean;
I fill it with people who understand that
Even dust is sacred

I am no longer waiting for everyone to understand me;
It’s just not their task

I am no longer waiting for
The perfect children;
My children have their own names
That burn as brightly as any star.

I am no longer waiting for
The other shoe to drop;
It already did, and I survived.

I am no longer waiting for
The time to be right
The time is always now.

I am no longer waiting for
The mate who will complete me;
I am grateful to be so
Warmly, tenderly held.

I am no longer waiting for a quite moment;
My heart can be stilled whenever it is called.

I am no longer waiting for
The world to be at peace;
I unclench my grasp and
Breathe peace in and out

I am no longer waiting to
Do something great;
Being awake to carry my
Grain of sand is enough.

I am no longer waiting to
Be recognized;
I know that I dance in a holy circle.

I am no longer waiting for
Forgiveness;
I believe, I believe.

From Mary Anne Perrone
Ann Arbor, Michigan

Groceries

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I never, EVER thought I would be excited about grocery shopping. Today was the exception.

I couldn’t hide from the big stores any longer, so I decided I’d go with Dave to get groceries today at Shaw’s Supermarket. It’s the first time setting foot into the big grocery store since before the ruptured annie. I was nervous, but once I got into the store, I remember where everything was just fine. I’d been going there for years, so I wasn’t doubting I’d remember where things were…unless they moved them on me which, thankfully, they did not.

Being armed with a good, detailed, very organized list didn’t hurt either. I was prepared. If I had had to wander around aimlessly looking for “something” for lunch and no knowing exactly what I was looking for and going up and down aisles….could have been bad.

I did very well and that pleased me. Only once did I start to feel confused and thought I was going to have to ask Dave to help me, but it passed. I got everything on my list and checked out. I was quite tickled I did so well. During the ride home (Dave drove), I got amheadache and needed to close my eyes. I felt like I had just crammed for a big test…my brain was tired for lack of a better description. The shopping trip was a lot of work for my brain and I was feeling it. Not horrible pain, but it was there.

Overall…this was a BIG step. I’m still not sure I could stop at the store for the BIG grocery trip on my way home from work and then drive home, but I could certainly go with Dave on the weekend and help. Dave did say I shouldn’t go by myself for awhile, so we’ll work into it slowly….just as I’ve done everything else. It did feel good to grocery shop….and that’s probably the last time I’ll EVER say that!

Night

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Since I was tired after working and didn’t feel like cooking Friday night and Dave had thrown his back out working on the counter top, I decided we’d order a pizza. I waited until around 5:00 to order and it would be 30 minutes. I didn’t realize until I walked out the door to go pick it up, that it was almost dark out. I hadn’t driven at dark since Oct. 4th of ’06!

I noticed three things on my drive homemafter picking up the pizza:

1) Someone on route 135 still havemtheir Christmas three up! LOL I drive that road everyday to work and back, but it’s always daylight. At night, I noticed the free and their Xmas lights on it in their living room through the window.

2) Our neighbors have lights! We haven’t had neighbors in that house since I moved here and coming around the bend, I couldn’t figure out what the lights through the trees were. The neighbors! First time I have seen them.

>3) I still don’t like driving at night.mLOL That hasn’t changed at all!

BUT, the big thing was that it wasn’t really any different than before, so that’s good. I still don’t like it when cars come at me with their lights and I still go slower than I would during the daylight. I just concentrated a bit more last night.

Bills, Bills, and More Bills

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I have been receiving medical bills since before I ever got home from the hospital. I’ve been instructed by many different parties to “hold off” on paying any of them due to an
insurance company switch at work and people not billing the correct insurance agencies among other things.

I don’t understand a lot of it and it’s very frustrating. I’m not used to setting bills aside (especially big bills) and not paying them. There’s such a sense of responsibility in me that it’s makes me very uncomfortable and uneasy. A few have informed me they were sending the bills to collection agencies and some how we’ve been able to hold that off, but it’s all so involved and confusing that I feel very inadequate because I don’t understand it and that it’s completely out of my control. I don’t enjoy having my financial status in limbo with all these agencies and medical operations. I’m used to paying my bills on time and getting things taken care of in the alloted amount of time. Just frustrating.