I Had a Dream (a weird one!)

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I usually have very vivid, weird dreams, when I do have one. This one was no exception. And if you can hang on to the odd story long enough, there IS an aneurysm connection at the end.

I dreamt I was returning from somewhere on a very small, but long plane. There was one pilot and two aisles. I was traveling with some co-workers, as well as my regular doctor and other people from other walks of life and different locations.

As usual, I started to complain about how my sinus can cause me issues upon landing, so my Dr., seeing how she was on board, pulled out a syringe and gave me a shot to help with that issue. The problem…it was a shot in the nose! I vividly recall the sensation of that shot. It didn’t hurt, but wow, was it odd. It helped, just as they said.

Upon descending, the plane took an odd route and suddenly we found ourselves landing on a main drag…a road….a city
street!! Was there a problem with the plane? We didn’t think so. It was a small town, probably close to Manchester, NH and amazingly, the streets were empty and our plane, miraculously, was narrow enough to make it through these streets without the wings being clipped. What the heck was going on?

Finally word came that a huge propane explosion had occurred in the area. I’m guessing it was at the airport, which was why we had to land in the streets…I guess! LOL

We then got word (from where, I don’t know!) that the explosion had been felt some 35 miles away. Just then we started to see damage outside our windows at the plane continued to taxi down
streets. Every single window out of every single building had been blown out. The buildings, to that point, were completely intact, just not windows. Fire trucks and emergency vehicles were everywhere treating injured people.

Then we saw the huge plume of black smoke from the explosion in the distance, and as we continued to move, damaged buildings became more extensive and horrific. It was awful. Very obviously, people had been injured or killed in this area. The people on board the plane were silent.

The plane suddenly came to a stop behind a fire truck. We were still on a street. The plane was so small, it actually had a tarp as its roof! (I know…weird again!) The pilot had to pull
it off the plane from the cockpit. LOL As he started to pull the tarp off, people started to mull about and get off the plane. He immediately yelled at people that we’d be having a “meeting” with emergency personal soon to take us somewhere, but to please stay on the plane.

Well, of course, people being people, the second the doors opened (or the tarp came off!!) they started to exit the
plane. Our pilot was NOT happy and immediately started yelling at people to get on board the plane. There was a lot of pissing and moaning from other passengers about how “they needed to get off the plane, it was hot”, or “my
legs are tired, just let me look around”.

It was then, that I couldn’t stand it anymore and stood up on my seat and yelled at the top of my lungs, with great fury: “I had a ruptured brain aneurysm exactly four months ago. I could have died within seconds, but I survived. I’m living, breathing proof that people can survive one of these damn things. I’m lucky to be here at all.

If this plane had landed, or descended 10 minutes earlier, we might not be here due to this horrific explosion. Surely, people have been injured and lost their lives as a result of this incident, so shut up and get on the plane and be thankful you have your lives, limbs and luggage.”

And…then I woke up! LOL I wish I could have known if my little speech made people think and get back on the plane and be quiet. I recall in my dream they were standing there in silence as I made my rant.

I remember some dreams in extreme detail like this one. I think perhaps because today IS the four month anniversary of my ruptured aneurysm, that it played some significance for me.
But it sure was a strange way to go about it!

Doctor’s Visit

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I had a Dr’s appointment with my regular physician today. Not only is she my doctor, but she is my physical therapist doing some OMT therapy on my neck for probably going on two years now. I had not seen her since my rupture in October.

I wasn’t sure we’d get to the therapy part of my visit and I was right. She did some brief, subtle manipulation on my neck towards the end of the visit, but for the most part we spent the time discussing my aneurysm.

I also needed to get a prescription from her: The antibiotics I need to take before dental or any medical procedures for the rest of my life. As mentioned in another entry, I was not well-informed on this issue, but I now have a prescription to take four 50 mg pills an hour before any procedure. I hope to God they’re not horse pills and I have no allergic reaction to them. We’ll see next Thursday when I go BACK for my cleaning.

She was also able to get me a referral for a neurologist in the area, which I’m very glad about. The neurosurgeon she’s recommending is part of the group that comes up to Waterville that’s associated with Dr. D’Angelo, who was my neurosurgeon in Portland. I trusted him and liked him, so I would trust someone he hired to be apart of this group.

The big issue that arose during this visit was that she recommended, rather TOLD me, to stop taking birth control pills. She first asked if anyone had told me to stop taking them….um…no! She said there are many risks, not only with women my age, but due to the aneurysm and the surgery, there are other risks and that I should stop and think about having my tubes tied, or other options, I would need to discuss with Dave for obvious reason.

I was totally unprepared for this and became quite emotional during my visit. There was a lot of information thrown at me in a short amount of time, and I was totally unprepared for it and don’t even remember all she said. I didn’t really know why I became so emotional and apologized for it, but she reminded me: the aneurysm has caused so much disruption in my life, I have every right to be emotional and that it’s okay to cry, but it hurts when I do! Double-edged sword there. Not only the near-death aspect of it, but it has effected my health, my life, my love life, my work life, my play life……everything, so this one other, unexpected side-effect, kind of blind-sided me. I’m probably far too emotional about it than I need to be, but I can’t seem to stop it just yet.

I’m not comfortable stopping the Pill cold turkey without speaking to my OBGYN, which will be my next step.

So, todays visit helped resolve some issues, but brought up some new ones. We won’t have  PT session until April to still give me time to rest and heal. It’s coming up on my four month anniversary…..it truly hasn’t been that long in the grand scheme of what has happened, so I need to remember that.

Planning

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Planning…I’m not doing much of it right now. I don’t feel I can safely plan a trip anywhere. I have a thought about some place I’d like to go, but then it’s quickly dismissed due to not knowing how traveling will effect me.

Dave and I love Disney. We have made two trips there and I’m pretty sure we’d both love to go again. I know I couldn’t do the trip right now. But what about a year from now? Could I even safely begin to plan something like that? No. I don’t think so. And even if we did plan a trip a year or so down the road, how do I know that once we get there, I couldn’t stand in line that long. Can I ride my favorite rides? Can I sit in an enclosed space with hundred of other people? Can I even get on a plane? Right now…..I’d say “no”….and that’s sad.

We’d love to go to Scotland and right now that size of a trip is so daunting, I’d say it’ll never happen….and that’s sad.

Even a trip back to NY to visit my family is a daunting prospect. Could I handle the 11 hour drive in car? Right now….I’d have to say “no”. And even if I could endure the ride, I’d probably be so totally exhausted by the time we got there, I’d be a useless visitor and have to sit and rest so much it wouldn’t be fun for me, or my family. And that’s sad.

Dave and I haven’t even gone out to a restaurant to eat. Mostly due to my not knowing if I could do it and not feel horrible. I’d hate to make a reservation, only to get there, have the lights in the restaurant, or the colors, or the people and sounds bother my head and eyes that we’d have to leave. I don’t want to ruin my own time, as well as someone else’s. I feel like I’m not only holding myself back from enjoying life again,
but that I’m holding Dave back and I hate that.

I kind of know what my mother went through as she was trying to adjust to life with Crohn’s disease. She wouldn’t go out or travel because she never knew when an attack would strike and didn’t want to embarrass herself and ruin other people’s time. I completely understand that now. BUT, she was able to get her diet and health regulated so she can go out now and is enjoying her life at 80. I suppose I should take a cue from her and just learn to live my life again.

Starting with a long day-trip somewhere, then work our way up to an over-nighter and then maybe an out-of-state trip, might be the way to go, but I won’t know until I try it. Driving to work was a big step and it took me awhile to work my way up to where I felt confident I could do it.

I know I won’t know until I start DOING these things, but it’s scary when you DO know you can’t do some of those things and plan for them and may not be able to for a long time yet.

That’s my sob story for today. Boo, hoo.

Big Step!

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After weeks of talking about it, today I finally did it and drove myself to work and back. 60 miles round trip.

I got up at my “normal” time (well, a little later) and left the house at my normal time to get to work at my normal time. Things were….well….normal! LOL

It really felt good. I was a little nervous leaving the driveway, but as soon as I hit the road, it felt very routine. My car could probably drive that route by itself anyway. It was 5 below zero out, but the roads were clear & dry.

I made myself stay very alert and got stuck behind the school bus traffic, so the other cars weren’t going any faster than me, so that was good.

Once I reached the interstate it felt as if nothing had changed. I even swore at an idiot who was driving like on. Just like old times.

My reality check was when I exited and almost rear-ended a pick-up truck. It was then I realized I had let my guard down on the interstate…I cannot do that just yet. I can’t rely on my brain to trigger those reflexes instinctively just yet. I have to stay aware – all the time when behind the wheel. Which can tire me out as well.

By the time I got to the parking lot at work, my eyes were aching and my head was a little sore, but really not too bad. Very doable. I was pleased to have made it.

I worked for four hours and left at noon. I didn’t want to push it in case I would have trouble on the drive home.My head and eyes were bothering me just a little bit. Of course I picked the coldest day of the winter to go out, but again, once I hit the road, I felt fine.

The drive home was uneventful and I stayed far more alert. There was also less traffic at that hour than first thing in the morning.

When I got home, I was very, very tired. More like I haven’t slept in two days. That kind of hazy,mrunning-on-fumes sleepiness. I ate some lunch, called my mother to tell her the good news, then promptly fell asleep on the couch while “resting” my eyes.

Overall, I’m really pleased with myself and the fact I wasn’t overwhelmed and in horrible pain when I got home. I hope to try this three days next week and build up from there. Guess I better start getting some exercise.

This was a big step for me and one I needed to do. I may feel like crap tomorrow, but at least I know I can do it…aneurysm be damned!