Category: Support

Sometimes Too Much

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There are several aneurysm survivor’s message boards/support groups out there online. While I was still in the hospital, I found it very comforting to talk to someone who was going through the same thing. If there were a local group here in Maine of people who survived aneurysms,  I’d probably be going to that as well.

But, for all the help, comfort and positive reinforcement I have been given on the message board I belong to, it can also be a bit scary. There are many survivors who have gone through, and continue to go through much worse after-effects and problems than I have. For those folks, I don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine living with multiple unruptured annies. Little time-bombs waiting to go off unless they can be
operated on. I had one…I just didn’t know it.

There are people who have gone through less than me as well. Some are lucky enough to have found their annies during a scan BEFORE they rupture and have the surgery. We all go through some of the same symptoms, but no two stories are exactly alike, which causes me some upset.

Although my last MRI looked good, I’m worried that something else will show up on my angiogram in April. Chances are it won’t, but because I read a lot of stories of people who go back for a check up and something shows up, it has caused some concern. I hate to worry about something that may not happen, and probably won’t, but reading all the stores makes me think about it, which in turn….well, it makes me worry. I don’t lose sleep over it, I just think about it and have a twinge of concern. I’m sure as soon as the date for my angiogram gets closer, I WILL think about it more.

Sometimes I just need to step away from the message aboard for a few days and remember how lucky I am and not read the horror stories. I know that seems horribly selfish, but I need to think about me now and what I have accomplished and not take a step back and let worry consume me. So far, it hasn’t, but who knows what’ll happen down the road. Hopefully nothing! And I need to concentrate on that.

Survivor’s guilt hits me when I read the stories of others who are still suffering so much after their annies have ruptured. Why am I different from them? What led my annie to bleed less than others? Again…we’re all different, but the common denominator, and the reason I keep going back to the boards, is that we’re all survivors! God bless everyone who’s had an annie…ruptured or not.

Second Day of Work

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I promise I won’t bore anyone who might be reading this with a daily account of each day I go into work, but the second
day went better than the first.

I felt better and more comfortable there this time and still only worked about 5 hours. I don’t want to push it. I
have a headache tonight, but nothing as bad as it was Tuesday night. Dave dropped me off and picked me up again.

A few people have started to ask me some more pointed questions about what happened. I think most people don’t understand it or know what an aneurysm really is. I know I didn’t know that much before I had one.

I’m still VERY tired though. Yawning a lot and my eye lids are extremely heavy. I tried a few times to just sit and
close my eye at my desk. Right now my eyes are bothering me the most at work. Getting used to “new” surroundings again and new lighting, a different monitor from home. It’s all different.

It feels good to be useful and needed again though and to have a little bit of my independence back.

Today is the 4 month anniversary (or annieversary
as they say on the Brain Community message board.) of the rupture. I’m doing pretty good considering what COULD have happened. I have to keep reminding myself of that when I get frustrated. I survived.

First Day Back at Work

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I went in for my first day of work yesterday. I showered the night before, so all I would have to do was fix my hair and face, eat breakfast and get my clothes pressed. Turns out, that may have been too much! LOL At least I’m not used to doing those things in a hurry anymore, so I was tired before I ever sat down in the car. Dave drove me to work.

Two other people have been using my office since I was last there on Oct. 4th, so I spend most of the day taking back my office, computer and my files. I had a lot of filing to do.

Just as it was when I arrive home from the hospital, it was a bit of a time warp in my office. File folders waiting for jobs to be completed and filed the week of Oct. 5th, were still sitting there on my desk. The catalog pages I had completed and had proofed, were sitting on my desk. My clock had stopped. My calendar on the wall was still on October. Just very strange. I had to become reacquainted with my office and my “stuff”.

I brought along some healthy snacks to munch on and made myself get up from my computer and walk down to the lunchroom to get them, as well as drank a lot of water. I was hoping to work until 4:00, which a lot of people thought highly ambitious my first day back. Turns out, they may have been right. Around noon time, I was pretty sure I shouldn’t push it until 4:00. I listened to my body today. I knew I probably COULD stay there until 4:00, but knew I SHOULDN’T.

So, after I ate and closed my eyes again for 10 minutes, for the 2nd time that day, I let Dave know I would need to come home. God bless him, he left immediately and drove the 30 miles up to pick me up. I was horribly tired and had a pretty nasty headache for about four hours in the evening.

Today, my head feels better, but I’m really, really dragging. I’ll try the work thing again tomorrow and see if it
continues to get better.

It was great to see everyone again. I really missed them and their humor. I laughed a lot, which I needed. I missed
the social interaction and feeling a part of something. It was small taste of getting my independence back again.

I am, by no means, ready for a 40 hours work week. But it’s a small step forward.

Speaking of work…

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…I’m going back. Not full time just yet, but to start to get back into the swing of things for two days a week. I HAVE been doing ads from home and a few other small projects, but at home, I’m afforded the luxury of being able to stop whenever and go lay down, or just rest or do some therapy. In the office, I’ll have to FORCE myself to stop and rest. I have a tendency to just sit for hours, then realize I skipped lunch! Somehow, I don’t think my head of body will allow myself to do that anymore.

I really KNOW when I haven’t eaten for a little bit. My head hurts more and I get the shakes…far more than I used to. The only “side effects” I’m having as a result of the ruptured
aneurysm and the surgery, are a headache, tiredness and the shaking. Mostly in my right hand, but both hands can be effected if I haven’t eaten in awhile, or do too much.

I always used to have a small shake, but it’s much more pronounced now and the rupture & surgery is the only thing that has really changed…..well, that and the fact I’ve become so darn lazy. I SIT very well!