Category: Fear

Follow Up

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Well, obviously, since I haven’t posted in awhile, that either means I’m really ill and can’t do it, or I’m feeling pretty darn good and don’t have much to report. I’m happy to say, it’s the latter. Until now.

I have finally started to make some arrangements for my 2-year follow-up. Since Dr. Kwan has left the area, and I’ve only heard rumors about a recent hiring in MA, I contacted his old office and was told he had referred me to Dr. D’Angelo, the neurosurgeon who attended to me first at Maine Medical in Portland. In fact, I saw Dr. D’Angelo more than I did Dr. Kwan…he was also the one who gave me my “walking papers” when I was finally released. He sure made me smile THAT day!

Anyway, I have just an appointment to see Dr. D’Angelo in Scarborough, Maine on Sept. 8th where he will then determine the next course of action. Either an MRI or an angiogram and then to determine WHERE all this will be done. I’m hoping it can all be done here in Maine, but we’ll see.

Neurosurgery and Spine Associates

Of course the last couple of weeks I’ve been having headaches, but I think it’s more due to starting to work harder on the catalog and the natural stress that puts on my brain. It’s hard work to think! LOL I find my eyes are very tired at the end of the day…but I have to drive that 30 miles home, so no resting until then. I need to make myself get up from my desk and rest my eyes and brain for 15 minutes in the morning and afternoon. I remember I did that a lot last year….I guess I still need to do it.

I’m already nervous about ANY testing being done, but it probably won’t come for a couple of months yet. I’m glad I’m going to meet with Dr. D’Angelo though. He’s highly regarded in the area and I have great trust in him. He was brutally honest to me in the hospital, and I appreciated that. He didn’t sugar coat the seriousness of my situation and how he really didn’t want to operate on that area of the brain and was very hopeful that Dr. Kwan would come in and do the coiling….I am too.

Things are moving ahead, so I’m glad something has been taken care of. I’m still not happy about no interventional radiologist in Maine though.

Pity

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Dave and I went to see the musical “Jesus Christ Superstar” at the Waterville Opera House. It was a fantastic production. I’ve never seen this musical. Have heard of it, heard a lot of the music, but haven’t seen it live before which is always good because I’m not comparing it to any show I’ve been in or have previously seen. Something I tend to do quite often! So, this was a “fresh” show for me even though it has been around for over 30 years. LOL

For those of you who don’t know, I’ve done community theater for over 20 years now. 15 years back in NY and I’ve done four shows since I moved to Maine. Two of which were in the Opera House. I was amazed at the set and the number of people in this show. The wings (back stage on the side) of this stage are very limited for space. It also looked to be a full-house tonight which is terrific to see.

Since my aneurysm, I’ve been asked by a few people if I have been in any other shows or plan to be. Truthfully, I just don’t know if I can anymore. I was thinking as I watched the show how much work, time and energy goes into each show. Even with the smallest roles, the weeks before and during performances are very stressful and require a lot of patience and professionalism by all involved. I can probably still handle the patience and professionalism involved, it’s the stress and energy that concerns me. I tired so easily still and I’m wondering if I’d be able to memorize and remember lines like I used to. I’d hate to make the commitment to a show only to totally screw it up.

Yes, if the show were the ONLY thing I was doing, I think I could do it, but since we’re not paid actors in community theater, we’re basically “volunteering” to act and do this in our “down time” AFTER work. It’s the 30 mile drive to work, then working 8 or more hours, then rehearsing, then driving back home the 30 miles that is making me think I may not be able to do shows anymore. At least in the Waterville area. And that, my friends, depressed me a great deal.

I enjoy theater so much. I enjoy becoming other fun and interesting people and I enjoy making people laugh. Far more than I do making them cry. Comedy has always been my choice. Make them laugh and feel good. The hell with drama and pain and crime. God knows we all have enough of that in our lives…why pay money to go see more?

When I got home tonight, I shared with Dave my thought on how I was concerned I wouldn’t be able to do a show again. Then I ended up sitting in my chair watching TV for an hour feeling sorry for myself. Poor me….what a pity the poor old girl doesn’t think she can act anymore. Boo, hoo. Well, it is sad. Granted, I can’t play the good soprano musical comedy roles, nor am I the nubile nymph I once was when I played Audrey in “Little Shop Of Horrors” or Lily St. Regis in “Annie”, but if the role of Miss Hannigan from “Annie” ever came up in this area, I’d be chomping at the bit to play it…and knowing I might not be able to, is very sad.

I still have limitations and I know that, but I should be grateful I can still attend plays and enjoy them and enjoy the work that others put into the craft. Instead….I’ll probably just feel sorry for myself awhile longer.

It’s Strange

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It’s strange…16 months after my rupture, as I’m trying to get to sleep last night, for some reason, I started to think (or perhaps it was dream) of the morning it occurred again. Not a clue why it popped into my head. Perhaps it’s because of those nagging headaches I still get at night or first thing in the morning. Mostly of which, I’m sure are sinus.

Only this time, I wasn’t thinking about what happened here at home as I usually do, or at the hospital, but at work. I don’t recall hearing how Dave let someone know that morning. I think he called in, but don’t now what time, and I couldn’t remember who he called. I have to believe it must have been shocking that morning as people learned of the seriousness of what was happening to me and especially our catalog team as we were zeroing in on finishing up the catalog files to send to them to the printer. Luckily, I had just finished up with the main layout, but I don’t recall if everyone knew that.

It was almost like I was there wandering the halls at work that morning trying to find out what was going on…perhaps I was dreaming. If I wasn’t, I’m worried. LOL

Again, I’m not sure why those thoughts came to be. Perhaps it’s due to my being worried about this year’s catalog. A lot of changes…perhaps a much larger catalog, which means a lot more of my time. A new job title, with some new responsibilities….everything is still a big question mark and I don’t like that. I like to know what’s going on so I can plan and prepare. It’s just who I am. I don’t mind change, but it’s the impending stress that I’m worried about. Stressing about stress! LOL Not a good thing and also not having someone here in Maine to operate, should I need to have something done with my coiling down the road….wow, getting WAY ahead of myself.

Anyway…for those of you reading this, even months and years after your annie and operation, you’ll always think of it and at the strangest time.

Struggling

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I am hoping that other survivors will read this post and understand what I’m going through…no one else seems to know.

Last Friday I learned that Dr. Kwan, the man whose handy-work is in my brain, whose hands God guided to very likely save my life, who is the only Dr. who does what he does in the state of Maine….no longer practices medicine. I haven’t officially been informed, but a fellow patient of Dr. Kwan’s heard it from his office.

This is very scary and concerning. If something were to happen to my coiling…I’d have to go to Boston probably. Not that I don’t think they’re qualified, but it wouldn’t be the man I trusted and looked to to help me and guide me. He’s one of my “support team” as my therapist says. Also, since I don’t know WHY he isn’t practicing medicine, I’m a little concerned about the work he did on my brain! How could I not be?

Well, he’s the third of my “support team” to leave me in the last 3/4 of a year. My OBGYN and my neurologist left the state. So now, not only do I have to find two new people to trust, but probably one of the most important people, is gone. I’m very scared.

Add to all of that… I learn on Tuesday that my job is being changed at work.

So, is it any wonder I’m stressed? Is it any wonder I’m so freaking scared about my future, not only at work, but for my health? And now I can’t even get a note from my Dr. who did the coiling to say I need to take some breaks at work. Lovely.

I’m hoping someone out there will understand. My therapist is on vacation and others just don’t seem to get it. I’m really, really, struggling with all of this and there are no easy answers.