I have been close to tears about five times this week. None of these times actually produced tears, mostly because two of the times were at work, so I really kept it in, but the other times certainly could have produced tears….but nothing.
Since my brain aneurysm rupture in 2006 I noticed whatever mechanism within my brain that triggers tears, just isn’t the same. I would feel sad about something, and knew I would normally be crying over it, but the tears would not come. I’d be curious to know if any other brain aneurysm survivors have experienced the same thing. However, when those tears DO start flowing it’s difficult for me to shut them off and they completely drain my body and brain of any needed functionality.
Tonight I opened that valve and the tears are flowing. This Sunday is Mother’s Day. Normally a happy occasion for families to celebrate their moms with gifts and spend time with mother’s, granddaughters and grandmother’s. Unfortunately, for my family, it’s a sad occasion and doubly so this year. No, my mother hasn’t left us, but both my sisters have. So not only has a mother lost two daughters, but I’ve lost both my sisters and my niece and nephew have lost their mothers.
My sister Dori had a massive ruptured brain aneurysm ON Mother’s Day in 2012. My husband and I were in London, England when we found out. We cut our trip short to join my family in a two-week, hopeful vigil praying for a miracle that never happened. Technically, we had already lost her on Mother’s Day. I don’t know how my mother or my sister’s son, can ever replace that memory. I know I can’t. Because she died of a brain aneurysm, I’m also tormented by my own demons about how she was misdiagnosed and how I should have pushed her more to insist the Dr’s look closer. Having the “urgent care” president where she was treated admit in a letter, after her death, that aneurysm signs were missed, makes it even more heart wrenching.
My “Family” mailbox in my Email now only consists of my husband and my niece. No other relative emails me. In fact I didn’t even know my cousin’s husband had died because she didn’t email me and none of her brother’s or sisters did. I miss my emails from Dori and Rhonda and Mom. Since mom had to switch to a laptop from WebTV, she hasn’t been able to understand and grasp using a computer, so we no longer have that convenient form of communication. She doesn’t call me, due to the cost, but I call her two times a week. And as I sit here typing this, I am bawling and feeling horribly pain in my head, that is just short of 4-months out of open brain surgery to repair my 2nd aneurysm.
Searing pain around the side of my head that is made worse by the stress of crying…and I can’t stop. I want, and desperately need a day off of work to get some sleep and rest, but there are meetings I must attend. Why I’m asked to attend some of these meetings, when my ideas and recommendations are met with a giant eye-roll and dismissed, is something I don’t understand. Even though I was apart of developing the program that’s being discussed and am very familiar with how it works, being treated that way in front of many others (for a 2nd time) can lead to tears, but I held it together…until now. So on top of grieving again for my sister, I’m dealing with being dismissed at work and just getting there on a daily basis while I’m still recovering.
Then there is my darling niece who will have to endure her first Mother’s Day without her mom because my other sister Rhonda died just 4 months ago. My poor mother has lost two daughters and I’m all she’s got left. And even SHE is having issues right now with horrible pain in her back, which brings back many memories of my sister Dori. She had horrible back pain for months before finally having surgery a few weeks before her death and I’d talk to her on the phone as she was in that pain and knew she had been crying due to that pain.
So when I hear my 87-year old mother talk about getting to the point where the pain makes her cry, how can I NOT think about my sister. I don’t know what to do to help my mom when she’s in NY and I’m in Maine. She’s been to two doctor’s and they’ve given her patches and some meds and told her to stop lifting things. Great. That’s great advice…but do they know what is actually wrong? I doubt it.
So, that crying thing is very difficult. We’re told it’s good to cry every once in awhile to get it out of your system….they say it’s a “good cry”. Well, for me, a cry is never good. My head feels like the skin and muscles are being pulled away from my brain right now. And it won’t settle down, until I settle down. Poor Dave has tried to console me, but I don’t even know what I need. I guess a “good cry” and venting in my blog will have to suffice for now even though I know I won’t feel any better physically or mentally afterwards.