Breakfast

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On the weekends, especially a bright sunny one, I like to eat my breakfast in the bedroom in front of our french doors facing the water. I carry a tray in, set it on the ottoman and watch the morning DIY shows or other shows I have taped during the week.

Well, for some reason, yesterday morning, I thought about how I first got home from the hospital. I was so out of balance and couldn’t carry anything, or bend over at all. Sweet Dave used to get my cereal, hard-boiled egg, juice, milk and sometimes tea for me and carry it in to the bedroom for me on a tray. How far I’ve come since then. Thankfully so.

Again, I am reminded of how lucky I am. I most certainly could have been far more severely impaired. Not being able to work, or worse, not being able to see or fend for myself.

The fact that I was able to work outside in my garden yesterday, clearing debris and checking on my “babies”, is wonderful. Lucky and very fortunate to be here.

Working

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I have been a couple of weeks at work full time now. This past week was a good test for the upcoming catalog season late summer and fall. I’ve been working on some mock-up catalog layouts for my superiors to look at so I suppose you could say I’ve been in mock catalog mode….minus the horrific stress and deadline involved, however.

I have been TRYING to force myself to step away from my computer throughout the day. If I don’t, my eyes and head really bother me by late afternoon. There have been wet and some cool weather conditions recently, but I’ve gone outside to eat lunch making myself get up from my computer screen. People think I’m nuts for eating lunch in my car, but I can rest my head back on the head rest, listen to my CDs, read a magazine, eat my lunch and not have to speak to anyone…quietly. At the picnic table, I can’t sit back and rest my head, the seats aren’t cushioned, I can’t listen to my music and chances are I’ll need to speak to someone if they come out. Not that I’m THAT horribly anti-social, but sometimes I’d just prefer to sit and be
with my own thoughts and rest away from my computer.

I’ve really worked my brain hard this past week. More than I have yet since returning to work full time. And the way my eyes and head feel by the end of the day has me concerned on how I’ll do come August & September when I’m at my busiest and most stressed. My rupture occurred last year as I had just completed the physical layout, but I still had a LOT of work to do. I did ask about the catalog while in ICU, but just realized there wasn’t anything I could do about it now and this (my life) was far more important. They’d just have to do without me…and they did. I’m not that full of myself to know that I can’t be replaced. It has just always been my responsibility.

Obviously, I’m worrying about something that may or may not happen, but I am concerned how I’ll do under the serious stress and pressure during catalog this year. Although I have been fortunate to be able to work from home one day a week the last couple of years during the busiest time, I feel I may need more of that this year. To be able to really concentrate without interruptions this year may be more important than ever. My brain is still recovering. I have to remember that. I’m just afraid, like I ALWAYS do, that I’ll overdo it and then be useless to them.

If this rupture has taught me anything, it’s that I’M more important than any job. The last six or so years, that catalog has been more important than my life. My priorities need to change. Yes, I have a very important job to do. Yes, I’m the only one who does that layout. Yes, I’m the only one responsible for completing it, but when I can leave work at 5:00 and still complete the work I need to do the next day, I should do it instead of working 14 hour days simply because the office is so much more quiet after every one else leaves.

I haven’t enjoyed Maine’s’ fall season once since I’ve move to Maine except for my first year here…when I did not work at Johnny’s. My bosses aren’t holding a gun to my head…I am. I NEED to take some time away from the catalog especially on weekends. Make myself remember that I’ve been given a second chance to enjoy a Fall and I should take it. Last year I spent fall in the hospital. 20 days. When I entered the hospital, the fall foliage was just starting to come into color in our area. When I left the hospital…all the leaves were on the ground and the tree branches were bare. I had missed it all…again.

Basically, I need to continue to stop and smell the roses…or the ice cream…or the crisp Fall air….or a cup of Earl Grey tea.

A Walk in the Garden

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The last time I set foot in my garden was last November, a short time after I had come home from the hospital. When I entered the hospital, the leaves were still out on the tree. When I got home, the tree were bare and the lawn was covered with the leaves. Stepping into my garden at that time was depressing and overwhelming because I had planned on putting a lot of things away and digging things up. With Dave assistance, we did get some of this taken care of, but not as much as I had hoped.

Yesterday was the first time this spring I ventured into the garden since then. It was a beautiful, very warm spring day. I had to get out and enjoy it and ventured out to my soggy garden to snoop around and see what was possibly growing. My foxgloves, tulips and some primroses all have new green growth, which pleased me to no end. Then I walked around and sat down on the deck in the sun and started bawling. Completely came out of left field. I think it hit me that I may not have had the opportunity to see this all again had my rupture been more significant. The view, things growing in spring in my garden, the sound of the birds, the warmth of spring sun on my face again…it was overwhelming and I guess that God kept me around so I could enjoy that. I had just calmed down and walked out to the potting shed when Dave came out and it hit me all over again. LOL. I told him about it, he teared up, I cried again….the ground wasn’t the only thing that was soggy! LOL

I will have a whole other appreciation for the things in my garden that have survived the winter this year mainly because I survived too!

Migraines

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I’m discovering I have different types of migraines. It wasn’t until my cousin Debbie, who is an aneurysm survivor, said she only had ocular migraines and didn’t get them until after her coiling, that I realized I am getting them too. Upon further investigation online, I’m pretty sure that IS what I’m getting because I had one last night. Of course, in my first meeting with my neurologist, I didn’t really delve into that, nor did she mention ocular migraines when I mentioned how my eyes get funky, then after 20 minutes, they’re okay.

On the Cleveland Clinic website it said this:
Ocular migraine can produce various degrees of vision loss or obstruction. Some patients, says Dr. Mays, report blind spots or “holes,” referring to missing sections in the normal visual field, or they may experience a shade of black or gray over the visual field. Some people compare the visual phenomena of ocular migraine to the patterns produced by an old television with faulty reception, says Dr. Mays. “Others say it’s like looking through watery glass.” Ocular migraine symptoms are temporary and do not harm the eye; but they can interfere with daily activities, such as reading and driving and can interrupt the work day.

Since 1976, I have suffered with the horrible Aura migraines which have effected every female member of my immediate family, other than my niece thankfully.

What I do not know yet, is if this is the only type of migraine I’ll experience now since my annie. Wishful thinking on my part probably. The difficult part will be figuring out what is an aura migraine and what is an ocular migraine because I need to take pills immediately upon those first visual symptoms of the aura migraine in order for the pills to kick and take effect. Should be fun! NOT!

I had a long, tiring day yesterday with a lot of talking and being talked to a lot at work. My brain worked overtime and I was exhausted when I got home. The eyes started in around 9:30 with the shades of black & gray over my right eye. I closed my eyes for about 15 minutes, took two Tylenol, but thankfully it dissipated within the next 10 minute with no pain. I like that they’re temporary and don’t have the pain of the aura migraines. I can handle that.