I have been a couple of weeks at work full time now. This past week was a good test for the upcoming catalog season late summer and fall. I’ve been working on some mock-up catalog layouts for my superiors to look at so I suppose you could say I’ve been in mock catalog mode….minus the horrific stress and deadline involved, however.

I have been TRYING to force myself to step away from my computer throughout the day. If I don’t, my eyes and head really bother me by late afternoon. There have been wet and some cool weather conditions recently, but I’ve gone outside to eat lunch making myself get up from my computer screen. People think I’m nuts for eating lunch in my car, but I can rest my head back on the head rest, listen to my CDs, read a magazine, eat my lunch and not have to speak to anyone…quietly. At the picnic table, I can’t sit back and rest my head, the seats aren’t cushioned, I can’t listen to my music and chances are I’ll need to speak to someone if they come out. Not that I’m THAT horribly anti-social, but sometimes I’d just prefer to sit and be
with my own thoughts and rest away from my computer.

I’ve really worked my brain hard this past week. More than I have yet since returning to work full time. And the way my eyes and head feel by the end of the day has me concerned on how I’ll do come August & September when I’m at my busiest and most stressed. My rupture occurred last year as I had just completed the physical layout, but I still had a LOT of work to do. I did ask about the catalog while in ICU, but just realized there wasn’t anything I could do about it now and this (my life) was far more important. They’d just have to do without me…and they did. I’m not that full of myself to know that I can’t be replaced. It has just always been my responsibility.

Obviously, I’m worrying about something that may or may not happen, but I am concerned how I’ll do under the serious stress and pressure during catalog this year. Although I have been fortunate to be able to work from home one day a week the last couple of years during the busiest time, I feel I may need more of that this year. To be able to really concentrate without interruptions this year may be more important than ever. My brain is still recovering. I have to remember that. I’m just afraid, like I ALWAYS do, that I’ll overdo it and then be useless to them.

If this rupture has taught me anything, it’s that I’M more important than any job. The last six or so years, that catalog has been more important than my life. My priorities need to change. Yes, I have a very important job to do. Yes, I’m the only one who does that layout. Yes, I’m the only one responsible for completing it, but when I can leave work at 5:00 and still complete the work I need to do the next day, I should do it instead of working 14 hour days simply because the office is so much more quiet after every one else leaves.

I haven’t enjoyed Maine’s’ fall season once since I’ve move to Maine except for my first year here…when I did not work at Johnny’s. My bosses aren’t holding a gun to my head…I am. I NEED to take some time away from the catalog especially on weekends. Make myself remember that I’ve been given a second chance to enjoy a Fall and I should take it. Last year I spent fall in the hospital. 20 days. When I entered the hospital, the fall foliage was just starting to come into color in our area. When I left the hospital…all the leaves were on the ground and the tree branches were bare. I had missed it all…again.

Basically, I need to continue to stop and smell the roses…or the ice cream…or the crisp Fall air….or a cup of Earl Grey tea.