Category: Support

A Poem

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This poem was posted on the Brain Aneurysm message board. Not by the author, but by another annie survivor.

I’ve been having a strange week. I’ve been thinking about my stay in the hospital for some reason. I have no idea why, but it has been depressing me and this poem just puts it all back in perspective. Couldn’t have been better timing. I hope the author doesn’t mind my posting it again.

Advent at Middle

I am no longer waiting for
A special occasion;
I burn the best candles on ordinary days

I am no longer waiting for
The house to be clean;
I fill it with people who understand that
Even dust is sacred

I am no longer waiting for everyone to understand me;
It’s just not their task

I am no longer waiting for
The perfect children;
My children have their own names
That burn as brightly as any star.

I am no longer waiting for
The other shoe to drop;
It already did, and I survived.

I am no longer waiting for
The time to be right
The time is always now.

I am no longer waiting for
The mate who will complete me;
I am grateful to be so
Warmly, tenderly held.

I am no longer waiting for a quite moment;
My heart can be stilled whenever it is called.

I am no longer waiting for
The world to be at peace;
I unclench my grasp and
Breathe peace in and out

I am no longer waiting to
Do something great;
Being awake to carry my
Grain of sand is enough.

I am no longer waiting to
Be recognized;
I know that I dance in a holy circle.

I am no longer waiting for
Forgiveness;
I believe, I believe.

From Mary Anne Perrone
Ann Arbor, Michigan

Working

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Today marked the start of my third week of working three days a week. I put in four hour days the first week of Feb., then worked until 2:00 last week and tried it to 3:00 today. That might have been pushing it. If I didn’t have to drive home 30 miles afterwards, I could probably put in a full day….or maybe not.

With my disability running out in March, I’m starting to feel I’m on a strict time table to work a full 40 hour week, but I might not happen for awhile yet and I’ll just have to take the cut in pay and lose all my personal/vacation time if need be. I’m not sure if the disability can be extended if the Dr’s say I need more time or not. Looking into it.

It has felt good to have to get up in the morning and be somewhere, other than a Dr’s appointment. I’m feeling useful again and that’s really important. I just wish I weren’t so darn tired when I get home. It takes a lot out of me. I am sleeping better the nights I work, so I guess that’s good, but it also makes it hard to get up in the morning.

My annie-related headaches are decreasing in intensity finally. I find my eyes are bothering me more than my head right now. They get very tired and sore after working and driving and stores are still an issue. So I’m still recovering and have to remember that. I’m a long way from 100% still, but it’s getting there.

I’m trying not to complain to people at work when they ask me how I’m doing because in reality, compared to where I was in October, I’m doing great. I shouldn’t be complaining. Poor Dave has to endure my complaining. He’s been a saint through it all. I’m not sure I deserve him.

Lunch

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Today, was another small milestone for me. I ate out in a restaurant. A simple task for anyone else, but one I was very nervous about simply due to the fact that stores and busy p places bother me so much yet.

I had hoped to sit in a booth, but there were too many of us from work to sit comfortably, so we were able to get a nice round corner table to sit at. The window blinds, checkerboard floors and checkerboard table cloths had me worried the second I sat down, but other than very slow service, it went well.

I was pleased to know I can do that, but also amazed at how it completely exhausted me. We went back to work after lunch, and even though I only worked until 2:30, by the time I drove home, settled and got the mail, I fell asleep twice on the couch and was in bed by 9:00. Just not able to keep my eyes open another minute.

Going out to lunch with my co-workers again also felt great. I have really missed that human interaction and laughing and it give me hope that Dave and I can go out to eat somewhere nice again and it won’t bother me too much.

My 4-Month Anniversary

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On this, the 4-month anniversary (or “annie”-versary) of my ruptured aneurysm and coiling surgery, I am trying to reflect on what I HAVE been able to accomplish during my recovery, instead of what I still can’t do. It goes something like this

Four months from the time of my ruptured aneurysm, I am able to:

    Bend over without getting dizzy.
    Lift things heavier than a breakfast tray.
    Fill and unload the dishwasher without the aid of sitting down.
    Go downstairs to the basement.
    Do laundry.
    Go downstairs to feed the cats.
    Shower and bath unaided by a seat.
    Dry my hair standing up.
    Make meals.
    Sit at the computer for a few hours.
    Lay down without my head pounding.
    Control most head pain I have without Vicodin, but with Tylenol.
    Go into a store, albeit smaller ones still.
    Drive!
    Go to work part-time.
    Sneeze without fear of my coils exploding.
    Go to a movie.
    Fill the bird feeders.
    Walk without the aid of a cane.
    Laugh and not get too exhausted.
    See my psychologist.
    Read a little bit more and it doesn’t bother me.
    Make the bed.
    Make love. (it’s gotta be said for those other survivors who are reading this and are nervous about themselves.)
    Bake a cake.
    Clean the house a little bit more.
    Speak to other annie survivors.
    Plan my future!
    LIVE!

I’m sure there are more things I’m forgetting, but those are the biggies that I’m recalling needing so much assistance with during those first few weeks when I arrived home after 20 days in the hospital. There are still downsides to my recovery, but today I choose to acknowledge the things I CAN do now, that I wasn’t able to before. ‘nuff said.