Category: Sadness

Sometimes Too Much

Published on by heiditeaLeave a comment

There are several aneurysm survivor’s message boards/support groups out there online. While I was still in the hospital, I found it very comforting to talk to someone who was going through the same thing. If there were a local group here in Maine of people who survived aneurysms,  I’d probably be going to that as well.

But, for all the help, comfort and positive reinforcement I have been given on the message board I belong to, it can also be a bit scary. There are many survivors who have gone through, and continue to go through much worse after-effects and problems than I have. For those folks, I don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine living with multiple unruptured annies. Little time-bombs waiting to go off unless they can be
operated on. I had one…I just didn’t know it.

There are people who have gone through less than me as well. Some are lucky enough to have found their annies during a scan BEFORE they rupture and have the surgery. We all go through some of the same symptoms, but no two stories are exactly alike, which causes me some upset.

Although my last MRI looked good, I’m worried that something else will show up on my angiogram in April. Chances are it won’t, but because I read a lot of stories of people who go back for a check up and something shows up, it has caused some concern. I hate to worry about something that may not happen, and probably won’t, but reading all the stores makes me think about it, which in turn….well, it makes me worry. I don’t lose sleep over it, I just think about it and have a twinge of concern. I’m sure as soon as the date for my angiogram gets closer, I WILL think about it more.

Sometimes I just need to step away from the message aboard for a few days and remember how lucky I am and not read the horror stories. I know that seems horribly selfish, but I need to think about me now and what I have accomplished and not take a step back and let worry consume me. So far, it hasn’t, but who knows what’ll happen down the road. Hopefully nothing! And I need to concentrate on that.

Survivor’s guilt hits me when I read the stories of others who are still suffering so much after their annies have ruptured. Why am I different from them? What led my annie to bleed less than others? Again…we’re all different, but the common denominator, and the reason I keep going back to the boards, is that we’re all survivors! God bless everyone who’s had an annie…ruptured or not.

Set Free!

Published on by heiditeaLeave a comment

I was awakened at 6:00 this morning to hear my nurse say these were my last two pills of Nomidipin. I said “Don’t toy with me” and she said she thought I was going home today. Well….THAT woke me up!

Shortly there after, Dr. D’angelo came into tell me the final word. I could go home today. YIPPEEE!!!!

I emailed and IM’d Dave immediately, as well as all my friends and family and it was all I could do to not put my clothes on, pack up and sit there, but I knew Dave needed to get some things down at home first, then he still had to drive down to Portland. He said he’d be there around 10:00. What to do…what to do!

I ate breakfast, changed my clothes slowly, picked up some things….slowly! LOL I didn’t want to get everything together and sit and wait. I did walk the 6th floor my last two times…mostly looking for Lisa, the physical therapist who had helped me out so much. I really felt, as did Dave, that I had a kindred soul there in Lisa.

She actually ended up finding me back in my room once she had heard I was being discharged and we had a nice moment of appreciation towards one another. I truly appreciated her kindness, understanding and friendship during my stay there.

My new room mate also told me she’d miss me! So sweet. We had only spend one night together and we had both slept well, so if I had had to stay another night in the hospital, her company would have been very welcome. I hope she got a new room mate who was kind and quiet.

Dave arrived, we got my walking papers and packed up. As I was wheeled down to the elevator, we saw several of the nurses who had helped me and s a couple of the Dr’s. I think them all and they all seemed quite please I was doing so well and could finally go home and wished me well.

Dave pulled the car around, I climbed in and that was it! Going home.

When the aneurysm happened, we were getting close to making some final decisions on the bathroom remodeling, but this obviously put everything on hold. Dave had stopped at a place in Saco, south of Portland, where he found the shower and a similar tub, so since we were right there, I decided I should take advantage of it and stop by.

Getting into the car and driving proved to be difficult. After looking at the same walls and hallway for three weeks, the stimili provided by passing cars, houses, etc. was a bit difficult. But tolerable.

We stopped at the bath place. As I was getting ready to carefully climb into the empty tub for a “dry fit”, we explained to the sales girl where we had just come from and what happened. She then told us of a story of her 47 year old aunt who had an aneurysm and died instantly…she had six kids. I could not get that out of my head and had an emotional time with it. Again, it made me realize just how lucky I was…just how lucky I was to be here at all and made me question why I was given the gift of life and she wasn’t? I will no doubt struggle with that for a time. Survivor’s guilt?

I wanted one thing before we got home…a Big Mac!!! So we stopped at McDonalds for the big meal…fries, soda and the Big Mac! It tasted VERY good!!

We arrived home an hour later. I was expecting to be more emotional when we pulled into the driveway. It was more a relief to be here than anything else.

Entering the house a wave of relief washed over me, then the kitties came to greet me at the door. Lexie ran right up, but Smokey was very hesitant. He’s so funny. Took him awhile to get use to ME being there! And Dave hasn’t been home during the day for three weeks either, so the two of us being there, really threw them I think. I got emotional then. I was with my family and I was home and I was alive.

Dave needed to get groceries, so he left a short time later to get us some food. I called my mother and sat down with a nice, hot pot of good tea! I had been craving that for weeks. It tasted fantastic.

While Dave was out, I walked around the house a bit and it was very odd. When I had left the house that morning for the emergency room, the leaves were turning and it was warm outside. Upon entering the house this day, it was like I was gone three months, or that time had stood still….there were now NOW leaves on the trees, it was VERY chilly outside, my calendar in my computer room was still on September and things I had planned to do the next day (Oct. 5th) were still sitting there waiting to be done.