Category: Fear

First Major Holiday

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Although I haven’t spent Thanksgiving with my family back in NY since 2008, I was with them in spirit yesterday. It’s the start of the “firsts” — holidays without Dori. From the sounds of it, they did okay. It will forever be different, something we learned after Kim died in 2008. The small holiday celebrations we used to have are forever changed as a result and my family in NY are just only beginning that stage. It’s painful and depressing at times, but it has to be done…life does go on, as painful as it is without those we love and miss.

Ian and Dori Xmas 2011I am sooooo grateful I insisted on that “family Christmas” last year and Dave and I drove to NY and spent Christmas with my family. As it turned out, it was the last time I ever saw Dori. We had a wonderful time and those are memories, and photos, I will treasure. I soooo wish I could have shared our photos from London with her. I know she would have loved our stories and images.

This Christmas, as was our first Christmas after Kim died, will be very different for Dori’s son and husband. They’ll soon realize just how much Dori did and meant to them at these holiday times. I know I’ll remember so many things about our growing up together and later as adults that we shared during the holidays. I need to remember those time and not let them fade. I need to smile, cry, get angry and let it out should I need to. It’s all part of the grieving process as much as I hate it. It’s only been six months since Dori died…yes, I’m still grieving and I miss her very, very much.

Since my survival of my own ruptured brain aneurysm, and Kim’s death as a result of aYep, this will work! rupture, I’ve made it a goal to educate people and enlighten their loved ones about the symptoms, treatments and after-effects of an aneurysm, but right now, after I lost my sister to a rupture….I just don’t even want to talk about them, hear about them, or look at them, but I guess I still have to. I’ll never get away from them, but perhaps, just perhaps, I can sneak in a few days during the holiday season where I won’t think about them for a few days. I can dream,  but that’s my new reality. Dammit.

September: Brain Aneurysm Awareness Month

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September is Brain Aneurysm Awareness Month. To get you started, here are the basics from the Brain Aneurysm Foundation website.

Understanding : Brain Aneurysm Basics

Being diagnosed with a brain aneurysm is frightening. Although ruptured aneurysms are relatively uncommon, they represent a very serious illness which is associated with a high rate of mortality and disability. Having survived a ruptured aneurysm is a very difficult experience to have gone through and can be extremely unsettling. Gathering information about your condition can help ease this fear, help begin the healing process, and help bring a sense of comfort and support during a trying time.

Brain AneurysmA brain aneurysm, also referred to as a cerebral aneurysm or intracranial aneurysm (IA), is a weak bulging spot on the wall of a brain artery very much like a thin balloon or weak spot on an inner tube. Over time, the blood flow within the artery pounds against the thinned portion of the wall and aneurysms form silently from wear and tear on the arteries. As the artery wall becomes gradually thinner from the dilation, the blood flow causes the weakened wall to swell outward. This pressure may cause the aneurysm to rupture and allow blood to escape into the space around the brain. A ruptured brain aneurysm commonly requires advanced surgical treatment.

What are the two types of aneurysms?

Saccular Aneurysm

A saccular aneurysm is the most common type of aneurysm and account for 80% to 90% of all intracranial aneurysms and are the most common cause of nontraumatic subarachnoid hemorrhage (SAH). It is also known as a “berry” aneurysm because of its shape. The berry aneurysm looks like a sac or berry forming at the bifuraction  or the “Y” segment of arteries. It has a neck and stem. These small, berry-like projections occur at arterial bifurcations and branches of the large arteries at the base of the brain, known as the Circle of Willis.


The fusiform aneurysm is a less common type of aneurysm. It looks like an outpouching of an arterial wall on both sides of the artery or like a blood vessel that is expanded in all directions. The fusiform aneurysm does not have a stem and it seldom ruptures.

Understanding : Warning Signs/ Symptoms

Unruptured brain aneurysms are typically completely asymptomatic. These aneurysms are typically small in size, usually less than one half inch in diameter. However, large unruptured aneurysms can occasionally press on the brain or the nerves stemming out of the brain and may result in various neurological symptoms. Any individual experiencing some or all of the following symptoms, regardless of age, should undergo immediate and careful evaluation by a physician.

  • Localized Headache
  • Dilated pupils
  • Blurred or double vision
  • Pain above and behind eye
  • Weakness and numbness
  • Difficulty speaking

Ruptured brain aneurysms usually result in a subarachnoid hemorrhage (SAH), which is defined as bleeding into the subarachnoid space. When blood escapes into the space around the brain, it can cause sudden symptoms.

Seek Medical Attention Immediately If You Are Experiencing Some Or All Of These Symptoms:

  • Sudden severe headache, the worst headache of your life
  • Loss of consciousness
  • Nausea/Vomiting
  • Stiff Neck
  • Sudden blurred or double vision
  • Sudden pain above/behind the eye or difficulty seeing
  • Sudden change in mental status/awareness
  • Sudden trouble walking or dizziness
  • Sudden weakness and numbness
  • Sensitivity to light (photophobia)
  • Seizure
  • Drooping eyelid

And Now More Questions

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This past April I had my 1-year checkup on my shiny new stent and my additional, sparkling new coils. Oh, and another look at the other 3 mm annie that’s sitting there.

Although I got the all-clear to fly to the UK, the Dr. did notice a slight blip on the original aneurysm, but he wasn’t overly concerned about it this year. We’d monitor it next April. And the smaller Annie hadn’t grown any larger or odd shaped. All good news respectively speaking.

Obviously, the furthest thing from my mind while we were finally in the UK for our delayed honeymoon in May, was losing my sister to a ruptured 6 mm aneurysm. I’m still trying to understand and come to grips with her passing, and in the manner it occurred. It’s too hard and it’s still too unbelievable.

But, her death has also forced me to rethink my decision in 2011 to just monitor the smaller aneurysm. The Dr. did not feel it was at risk for rupture any time soon, but how can he know for sure? How does anyone know if the stress from losing my sister, canceling the rest of our honeymoon, and the annual stress related to the catalog won’t put more pressure on that little guy, or worse yet, additional strain on the larger, already-susceptible 11 mm aneurysm? They don’t.

The Dr. said the 3 mm one would be a good candidate for clipping because of its shape (rectangular), but the mere thought of having my head cut open and the risks and recovery afterwards have me very nervous. BUT it would be my decision and it would be an elective procedure to prevent a major rupture. In my mind, that’s the more important factor.

Now the pisser is that I have to wait until next April to address all of this again at my checkup. Not sure, in light of what my family just went through, I can wait that long.

Support Brain Aneurysm Awareness

That Kind of a Day

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I think I kind of suspected a day like I’m having today was coming, which is why I chose to take the day off work because Dave was going to be out all day. Don’t get me wrong, I adore Dave and he has been my rock and my angel, but I think I knew today needed to be a “me” day and no amount of comfort was going to help me get through it. I just had to “do it” as my nephew Ian used to say with great conviction. And I needed to be alone.

Since losing my sister Dori to a ruptured brain aneurysm, I’ve really only cried three times. That probably seems like a very low number to many people. I know my own family members have cried on a daily basis at times. For some reason, since my own rupture, my crying mechanism isn’t the same as it was pre-rupture. I can’t explain it, I just KNOW it is. I also know crying takes a lot out of me since my rupture, so maybe subconsciously I try to avoid crying at all costs….I don’t think that’s it though. My emotional triggers are just “different’ for lack of a better word. I am very sad, very emotional, but crying just doesn’t come as easily as it used to.

I could start to tell I might need a good cry the last week or so. I’ve been quite depressed and lacked motivation to do anything…even make a proper tea, which is very unlike me. Just plop the bag in the mug and I’m done for today. Gasp! Dave left for Portland this morning and I didn’t even hear him leave God bless his heart.

However, the kitties had other ideas and kept coming in to wake me. I knew I needed sleep. I was over-tired and had been having trouble getting to sleep, so I forced myself to stay in bed and get some sleep. I dreamt about Dori though, which always makes me sad when I wake up. Thankfully, when I dream about her, she’s healthy. As I did after my Dad died, I dreamt of him when he was healthy, not as I last saw him in the hospital. I’m glad I don’t dream of Dori in the hospital. It was very difficult to see her in that condition when technically, we had already lost her.

So I woke up already sad and went from there. I listened to music, read outside and tried to just relax and rest. I went out to the road to get the mail and a trigger in the mail started my tears of grief. Several years ago I purchased a Christmas gift for my nephew from the “Adopt A Loon” association in the Adirondacks. I’m not sure if Dori, Jon and Ian ever located their adopted loon, but I knew it was Dori’s favorite bird and thought they’d get a kick out of that. Every year since then I get the newletter from the association in the mail and today was that day. I started to open it, saw the headlines announcing upcoming fundraising events and couldn’t finish opening it. In fact, as the tears started to flow, I ended up just throwing it in the trash.

The next 30 minutes were howls and shrieks of questions that no one can answer. No one. There are no answers for the questions I ask now. No one knows why Dori was chosen. No one knows why the Dr.’s didn’t check her for brain aneurysms. Why didn’t they? What was the excuse given when it was requested? Why didn’t the neurologists look into it before her back surgery? Why? Why? I don’t understand and there is no one who can answer that question for me. Why didn’t I die after my rupture? Why did Kim have to die from hers too? I don’t understand.

I tried to get my sisters to get scanned after my rupture in 2006. It isn’t something I can MAKE them do, but if Dori had…they would have seen the aneurysm and chances are she’d still be here today. I’m having a very, very difficult time with that one. I haven’t been in the position of having to actually make that decision to see if I may have a potentially life-threatening condition, but I’m sure fear is the overriding concern. And I guess I didn’t do a very good job of projecting the advantages of getting scanned prior to having it rupture to my sisters. Now….I have lost one. Do I blame myself? A little bit, yes. Could I have pushed more and become a real pain in the ass to my sisters? Yes, I could have, but I didn’t. And now my older sister has since lost her job and has no insurance. I HATE that health insurance is now the only reason preventing her getting scanned.

She may not even have an aneurysm, which would be great. And even if she does have one, that does not mean it will rupture and ever become an issue, but she can monitor it and she’ll KNOW it’s there and perhaps take better care of herself. Wait…do I take care of MYSELF better now that I know I have another brain aneurysm sitting there? No, not exactly. I still drink wine with dinner, I hardly exercise, I don’t eat that great…..life can really suck sometime’s can’t it? Even the healthiest of individual can be taken by ruptured aneurysms. They didn’t KNOW they had them though, that’s the difference.

Both my sister were/are at high risk because of their age, they’re both smokers and they have a 1st degree relative who has aneurysms. I’m beginning to sound like a broken record….I’m tired of it too. Right now, I lack the energy to fight the system, or God, or whomever it is I feel like I’m fighting to get answers. I don’t know….at times I don’t care. If people choose not to get scanned, that’s there business. All I can do is present them with the pros and cons of knowing you have a brain aneurysm and let them lead their lives. I just hate….HATE that my sister Dori has now become one of those damn statistics. But this particular “statistic” was one I spent my entire life with. This particular statistic left behind a beautiful 15-year old boy and a husband.

I don’t understand it and never will….it’s just grief and I know that, but it sure stinks.