Although I haven’t spent Thanksgiving with my family back in NY since 2008, I was with them in spirit yesterday. It’s the start of the “firsts” — holidays without Dori. From the sounds of it, they did okay. It will forever be different, something we learned after Kim died in 2008. The small holiday celebrations we used to have are forever changed as a result and my family in NY are just only beginning that stage. It’s painful and depressing at times, but it has to be done…life does go on, as painful as it is without those we love and miss.

I am sooooo grateful I insisted on that “family Christmas” last year and Dave and I drove to NY and spent Christmas with my family. As it turned out, it was the last time I ever saw Dori. We had a wonderful time and those are memories, and photos, I will treasure. I soooo wish I could have shared our photos from London with her. I know she would have loved our stories and images.

This Christmas, as was our first Christmas after Kim died, will be very different for Dori’s son and husband. They’ll soon realize just how much Dori did and meant to them at these holiday times. I know I’ll remember so many things about our growing up together and later as adults that we shared during the holidays. I need to remember those time and not let them fade. I need to smile, cry, get angry and let it out should I need to. It’s all part of the grieving process as much as I hate it. It’s only been six months since Dori died…yes, I’m still grieving and I miss her very, very much.

Since my survival of my own ruptured brain aneurysm, and Kim’s death as a result of a rupture, I’ve made it a goal to educate people and enlighten their loved ones about the symptoms, treatments and after-effects of an aneurysm, but right now, after I lost my sister to a rupture….I just don’t even want to talk about them, hear about them, or look at them, but I guess I still have to. I’ll never get away from them, but perhaps, just perhaps, I can sneak in a few days during the holiday season where I won’t think about them for a few days. I can dream,  but that’s my new reality. Dammit.