Category: Fear

And Still the Thoughts Come

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I had a rough night last night. I’ve been having some minor, but annoying pain behind my left eye for a few days. Not enough to disable me, or effect my eyesight, but enough to make me feel lousy and to worry.

Last night I couldn’t lay down comfortably without the pain bothering me too much. I had already taken Alieve and Tylenol during the day so I didn’t want to take anything stronger at this point, even though I knew it could help. So, I sat up in bed with pillows hoisted behind me with the gel packs I keep in the fridge over my eyes and thinking….instead of sleeping.

Yes, those are the rough times. I now recall, in hind sight, that I had had pain in my eye before my rupture last October, so of course, that’s one of the first thoughts that spring to my head. My coiling has started to compact and the annie is widening somewhere. OR it’s another annie….or it’s simply sinus, so shut up and go to bed Heidi. And inevitably when I even have the slightest thought about my annie, or the night it ruptured, it starts to bring it all back to me, especially at night. How I felt, what I did, where I went and what could have been. All still scary stuff, even though I know from my angiogram only two shorts months ago told me things look just fine.

It’s difficult not to continue to think the worst when you’ve been in that position already. Been there. Done that. Don’t want to do it again. So you worry about doing that again.

I look at my cousin Debbie who had an unruptured annie coiled. How very lucky she was and yet she has two other unruptured, very small annies and is living with them every day. I have tremendous respect for those of you out there who are living with annies on a daily basis. You know they are there and yet you go on. That’s the key. You’re LIVING with them and isn’t that something to be commended? I should think so. I wish I had known mine was there before it ruptured. I’d much rather alter my lifestyle a little and monitor it than to not know it’s there and let it fester and get larger only to cause more serious problems later on.

Compared to many others who have not been as fortunate as I, my case is a minor one. That doesn’t diminish the seriousness of the problem, however. I’m not overplaying it. A ruptured aneurysm, no matter how “minor” is very dangerous. I thank God I knew it was something so unusual that I felt I should still go to the ER that morning. The EMTs who came to the house didn’t feel it was. I regret not having checked back in with their department later on to let them know just HOW serious the matter was and that they could have asked two simple questions:
1)Is there a history of aneurysms in your family and
2)How old are you?

Those two questions seemed to make the ER Dr. at Augusta Maine Medical move quicker once we arrived there. I DO recall that, but not much else during that 24 hour period. He very well could have saved my life. Yes, there IS a history of aneurysms in my family and my age, combined with that make me at higher risk.

SOooooo….when I start having unusual pains in the area where my existing annie is, I think it’s only natural to be concerned, but like my Dr. told me, unless there is something more catastrophic happening, there is nothing wrong with my existing annie and since only two months ago, the angiogram showed no other annies and I lived with this monster a good chunk of my 43 years, I think I’ll be fine!

There….just gave myself a pep talk! LOL I needed that. Thank you. I feel much better this morning. I think the stress at work the last week and not giving myself enough breaks away from the computer all contributed.

Why Bother

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Why is it that when I have worries, when I share those concerns with people, all they say is don’t worry about it?

Saying “don’t worry about it” doesn’t validate my feelings, it only makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong, or bad because I have concerns. How is that helpful?

I have every right to be feeling concerned because we’ve lost three key people  now in the catalog process at work. I was concerned simply about my own job and my own well-being during this year’s catalog after my ruptured annie last year and now a lot more is going to be dumped on our department as well as me.

So, just let me feel worried, okay?

Angiogram Results

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I had my six-month angiogram checkup of my aneurysm yesterday. It was an early morning, having to leave at 5:15 to be there at 7:00 in the morning.

I didn’t sleep a wink the night before. Partly due to being nervous, the noisy wind outside, and possibly eating that orange and power bar at 10! I couldn’t eat anything after midnight, so I tried to eat something later that night.

It was odd being back at Maine Medical again. Some memories were brought back. Some pleasant, some not so much, but at least I was arriving under my own power this time!

Around 7:45 or so, I was wheeled into the operating room. I have been here before, but didn’t really remember it. I was barely awake when I had arrived back in Oct, so I asked a bunch of questions and watched as the team was getting ready to perform the procedure. Fascinating.

They went into the same artery in the groin where my previous angio-gram and the coiling was done. It was quite painful when the initial shots and  insertions were made, but after that I never felt the catheter only the inks being injected and the heat and other sensations they created.

One time they had informed me I might see lightening over my left eye. Sure enough…there is was!! A small sprinkling of brightly colored lightening in my left eyeball! Odd and strangely neat all at the same time. I kept my eyes closed the entire time. I was under mild sedation and pain killers so I could respond to them to hold my breath, etc.

Everything went fine until they tried to insert an angioseal into the puncture wound. It didn’t work, but by God, Dr. Kwan TRIED! As a result, he had to pull it back out and put a regular plug in which meant more pain and more pushing. It was not pleasant. He said next time he would NOT use the angioseal. Thank you!! LOL

Dr. Kwan was able to read the xrays during the procedure and tell me right there on the table that everything looked great. The fear I had was that the aneurysm would have enlarged in some fashion or the coils would start to pack down leaving a space between the coils and the outside of the annie OR that he’d find another annie or something else of interest. He found none of that thank God. And it was great to finally hear
that and to know that my sinus issues were just that…sinus and not brain related.

I have read on some occasions that people had head and pain issues misdiagnosed as sinus when they were really annies, so I was really, really nervous a new annie had popped up somewhere. Nope, just my blasted sinus.

Because Dr. Kwan could not use the angioseal, I had to spend four hours in recovery after the operation. The seal would have cut it down to two.

The main issues were to keep my leg straight and flat and do not lift my head. They only raised it about 30º and that was it.  My sinus were bothering me too, so I had pain from the puncture and pain from my head. I took the opportunity to lay there and rest….like I had a choice anyway!

Dave stayed with me and cut up a sandwich for me to eat and helped me drink some liquids so I wouldn’t choke on them which would have been bad. He has been so fantastic the past six months. I’m very lucky and I know it.

Once the four hours were up, the nurse got me right up on my feet to test the vertical waters. I was quite wobbly, but not too bad. Sitting down was painful. Anytime I creased that area of the groin was painful. Sitting and moving my leg was pretty painful. Still is today, but not as bad.

I got dressed and we were home by 3:00. I called my family back in NY to give them the good news, but couldn’t sleep yet. I hopped on the computer, ate something then started to fade around 8:30 after putting ice on my puncture site and taking a vicadin. I slept like a baby.

The last six months have been a a kind of uneasy anticipation of this six-month test. It was so hard to know if every headache, numb finger, eye ache, neck ache, and onset of fatigue was still related to the original annie, or if something new had popped up. This was a huge relief and now I feel I can get on with my life again. A huge, huge relief.

It still doesn’t mean something down the road could potentially develop, because I AM at risk, but for this annie, at this moment…it’s good.

As my friend Julie from the message boards reminded me in a poem she and I both posted separately:

“…I am no longer waiting for
The other shoe to drop;
It already did, and I survived…”

Thanks to reasons I don’t know or understand, and God guiding Dr. Kwan’s careful hand, I survived.

6-Month Angiogram Tomorrow

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Tomorrow is in my 6-month angiogram to look at the coiling done in Oct. and to check on its healing progress and although I’ve been told the procedure itself isn’t that bad, I’m more worried about the results of the test than anything else.

I wouldn’t have been as worried had I not felt so lousy the last four days. It started on Sunday with head, ear, neck and eye pain and discomfort. I”m sure it’s just sinus, but because I just had a CT scan on my sinus last week and everything looked okay, my mind starts to think it’s something other than sinus….the brain.

Once i kicked my other sinus infection, I was feeling pretty good and exercising and eating better, but since this has hit, exercising is out of the question due to the discomfort in my head and I haven’t had much of an appetite….so now I’m scared.

People will tell me things will be fine, but how can one not be nervous, especially when I’m not feeling very good suddenly. If things look fine on the angiogram then I’ll know for SURE it’s sinus or allergies, or a tooth problem…or…..I don’t know! But at least I’ll know what’s NOT.

I’m just tired of feeling like crap. I have had one angiogram before, but it was right before my coiling and I was pretty out of it. I do remember when they injected the ink. I felt a very hot sensation in my face, but that’s about it.