And Still the Thoughts Come

I had a rough night last night. I’ve been having some minor, but annoying pain behind my left eye for a few days. Not enough to disable me, or effect my eyesight, but enough to make me feel lousy and to worry.

Last night I couldn’t lay down comfortably without the pain bothering me too much. I had already taken Alieve and Tylenol during the day so I didn’t want to take anything stronger at this point, even though I knew it could help. So, I sat up in bed with pillows hoisted behind me with the gel packs I keep in the fridge over my eyes and thinking….instead of sleeping.

Yes, those are the rough times. I now recall, in hind sight, that I had had pain in my eye before my rupture last October, so of course, that’s one of the first thoughts that spring to my head. My coiling has started to compact and the annie is widening somewhere. OR it’s another annie….or it’s simply sinus, so shut up and go to bed Heidi. And inevitably when I even have the slightest thought about my annie, or the night it ruptured, it starts to bring it all back to me, especially at night. How I felt, what I did, where I went and what could have been. All still scary stuff, even though I know from my angiogram only two shorts months ago told me things look just fine.

It’s difficult not to continue to think the worst when you’ve been in that position already. Been there. Done that. Don’t want to do it again. So you worry about doing that again.

I look at my cousin Debbie who had an unruptured annie coiled. How very lucky she was and yet she has two other unruptured, very small annies and is living with them every day. I have tremendous respect for those of you out there who are living with annies on a daily basis. You know they are there and yet you go on. That’s the key. You’re LIVING with them and isn’t that something to be commended? I should think so. I wish I had known mine was there before it ruptured. I’d much rather alter my lifestyle a little and monitor it than to not know it’s there and let it fester and get larger only to cause more serious problems later on.

Compared to many others who have not been as fortunate as I, my case is a minor one. That doesn’t diminish the seriousness of the problem, however. I’m not overplaying it. A ruptured aneurysm, no matter how “minor” is very dangerous. I thank God I knew it was something so unusual that I felt I should still go to the ER that morning. The EMTs who came to the house didn’t feel it was. I regret not having checked back in with their department later on to let them know just HOW serious the matter was and that they could have asked two simple questions:
1)Is there a history of aneurysms in your family and
2)How old are you?

Those two questions seemed to make the ER Dr. at Augusta Maine Medical move quicker once we arrived there. I DO recall that, but not much else during that 24 hour period. He very well could have saved my life. Yes, there IS a history of aneurysms in my family and my age, combined with that make me at higher risk.

SOooooo….when I start having unusual pains in the area where my existing annie is, I think it’s only natural to be concerned, but like my Dr. told me, unless there is something more catastrophic happening, there is nothing wrong with my existing annie and since only two months ago, the angiogram showed no other annies and I lived with this monster a good chunk of my 43 years, I think I’ll be fine!

There….just gave myself a pep talk! LOL I needed that. Thank you. I feel much better this morning. I think the stress at work the last week and not giving myself enough breaks away from the computer all contributed.

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