Category: Fatigue

Working

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I have been a couple of weeks at work full time now. This past week was a good test for the upcoming catalog season late summer and fall. I’ve been working on some mock-up catalog layouts for my superiors to look at so I suppose you could say I’ve been in mock catalog mode….minus the horrific stress and deadline involved, however.

I have been TRYING to force myself to step away from my computer throughout the day. If I don’t, my eyes and head really bother me by late afternoon. There have been wet and some cool weather conditions recently, but I’ve gone outside to eat lunch making myself get up from my computer screen. People think I’m nuts for eating lunch in my car, but I can rest my head back on the head rest, listen to my CDs, read a magazine, eat my lunch and not have to speak to anyone…quietly. At the picnic table, I can’t sit back and rest my head, the seats aren’t cushioned, I can’t listen to my music and chances are I’ll need to speak to someone if they come out. Not that I’m THAT horribly anti-social, but sometimes I’d just prefer to sit and be
with my own thoughts and rest away from my computer.

I’ve really worked my brain hard this past week. More than I have yet since returning to work full time. And the way my eyes and head feel by the end of the day has me concerned on how I’ll do come August & September when I’m at my busiest and most stressed. My rupture occurred last year as I had just completed the physical layout, but I still had a LOT of work to do. I did ask about the catalog while in ICU, but just realized there wasn’t anything I could do about it now and this (my life) was far more important. They’d just have to do without me…and they did. I’m not that full of myself to know that I can’t be replaced. It has just always been my responsibility.

Obviously, I’m worrying about something that may or may not happen, but I am concerned how I’ll do under the serious stress and pressure during catalog this year. Although I have been fortunate to be able to work from home one day a week the last couple of years during the busiest time, I feel I may need more of that this year. To be able to really concentrate without interruptions this year may be more important than ever. My brain is still recovering. I have to remember that. I’m just afraid, like I ALWAYS do, that I’ll overdo it and then be useless to them.

If this rupture has taught me anything, it’s that I’M more important than any job. The last six or so years, that catalog has been more important than my life. My priorities need to change. Yes, I have a very important job to do. Yes, I’m the only one who does that layout. Yes, I’m the only one responsible for completing it, but when I can leave work at 5:00 and still complete the work I need to do the next day, I should do it instead of working 14 hour days simply because the office is so much more quiet after every one else leaves.

I haven’t enjoyed Maine’s’ fall season once since I’ve move to Maine except for my first year here…when I did not work at Johnny’s. My bosses aren’t holding a gun to my head…I am. I NEED to take some time away from the catalog especially on weekends. Make myself remember that I’ve been given a second chance to enjoy a Fall and I should take it. Last year I spent fall in the hospital. 20 days. When I entered the hospital, the fall foliage was just starting to come into color in our area. When I left the hospital…all the leaves were on the ground and the tree branches were bare. I had missed it all…again.

Basically, I need to continue to stop and smell the roses…or the ice cream…or the crisp Fall air….or a cup of Earl Grey tea.

Angiogram Results

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I had my six-month angiogram checkup of my aneurysm yesterday. It was an early morning, having to leave at 5:15 to be there at 7:00 in the morning.

I didn’t sleep a wink the night before. Partly due to being nervous, the noisy wind outside, and possibly eating that orange and power bar at 10! I couldn’t eat anything after midnight, so I tried to eat something later that night.

It was odd being back at Maine Medical again. Some memories were brought back. Some pleasant, some not so much, but at least I was arriving under my own power this time!

Around 7:45 or so, I was wheeled into the operating room. I have been here before, but didn’t really remember it. I was barely awake when I had arrived back in Oct, so I asked a bunch of questions and watched as the team was getting ready to perform the procedure. Fascinating.

They went into the same artery in the groin where my previous angio-gram and the coiling was done. It was quite painful when the initial shots and  insertions were made, but after that I never felt the catheter only the inks being injected and the heat and other sensations they created.

One time they had informed me I might see lightening over my left eye. Sure enough…there is was!! A small sprinkling of brightly colored lightening in my left eyeball! Odd and strangely neat all at the same time. I kept my eyes closed the entire time. I was under mild sedation and pain killers so I could respond to them to hold my breath, etc.

Everything went fine until they tried to insert an angioseal into the puncture wound. It didn’t work, but by God, Dr. Kwan TRIED! As a result, he had to pull it back out and put a regular plug in which meant more pain and more pushing. It was not pleasant. He said next time he would NOT use the angioseal. Thank you!! LOL

Dr. Kwan was able to read the xrays during the procedure and tell me right there on the table that everything looked great. The fear I had was that the aneurysm would have enlarged in some fashion or the coils would start to pack down leaving a space between the coils and the outside of the annie OR that he’d find another annie or something else of interest. He found none of that thank God. And it was great to finally hear
that and to know that my sinus issues were just that…sinus and not brain related.

I have read on some occasions that people had head and pain issues misdiagnosed as sinus when they were really annies, so I was really, really nervous a new annie had popped up somewhere. Nope, just my blasted sinus.

Because Dr. Kwan could not use the angioseal, I had to spend four hours in recovery after the operation. The seal would have cut it down to two.

The main issues were to keep my leg straight and flat and do not lift my head. They only raised it about 30º and that was it.  My sinus were bothering me too, so I had pain from the puncture and pain from my head. I took the opportunity to lay there and rest….like I had a choice anyway!

Dave stayed with me and cut up a sandwich for me to eat and helped me drink some liquids so I wouldn’t choke on them which would have been bad. He has been so fantastic the past six months. I’m very lucky and I know it.

Once the four hours were up, the nurse got me right up on my feet to test the vertical waters. I was quite wobbly, but not too bad. Sitting down was painful. Anytime I creased that area of the groin was painful. Sitting and moving my leg was pretty painful. Still is today, but not as bad.

I got dressed and we were home by 3:00. I called my family back in NY to give them the good news, but couldn’t sleep yet. I hopped on the computer, ate something then started to fade around 8:30 after putting ice on my puncture site and taking a vicadin. I slept like a baby.

The last six months have been a a kind of uneasy anticipation of this six-month test. It was so hard to know if every headache, numb finger, eye ache, neck ache, and onset of fatigue was still related to the original annie, or if something new had popped up. This was a huge relief and now I feel I can get on with my life again. A huge, huge relief.

It still doesn’t mean something down the road could potentially develop, because I AM at risk, but for this annie, at this moment…it’s good.

As my friend Julie from the message boards reminded me in a poem she and I both posted separately:

“…I am no longer waiting for
The other shoe to drop;
It already did, and I survived…”

Thanks to reasons I don’t know or understand, and God guiding Dr. Kwan’s careful hand, I survived.

6-Month Angiogram Tomorrow

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Tomorrow is in my 6-month angiogram to look at the coiling done in Oct. and to check on its healing progress and although I’ve been told the procedure itself isn’t that bad, I’m more worried about the results of the test than anything else.

I wouldn’t have been as worried had I not felt so lousy the last four days. It started on Sunday with head, ear, neck and eye pain and discomfort. I”m sure it’s just sinus, but because I just had a CT scan on my sinus last week and everything looked okay, my mind starts to think it’s something other than sinus….the brain.

Once i kicked my other sinus infection, I was feeling pretty good and exercising and eating better, but since this has hit, exercising is out of the question due to the discomfort in my head and I haven’t had much of an appetite….so now I’m scared.

People will tell me things will be fine, but how can one not be nervous, especially when I’m not feeling very good suddenly. If things look fine on the angiogram then I’ll know for SURE it’s sinus or allergies, or a tooth problem…or…..I don’t know! But at least I’ll know what’s NOT.

I’m just tired of feeling like crap. I have had one angiogram before, but it was right before my coiling and I was pretty out of it. I do remember when they injected the ink. I felt a very hot sensation in my face, but that’s about it.

The “Look”

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Either a transformation takes place between my house and work in my car, or I just don’t look like I used to! People at work constantly tell me I look tired. I’m sure I am, but I’ve never had so many people, almost on a daily basis tell me I look tired. It usually comes after they ask  me how I am. I usually say “Good”, then they’ll say “You look tired though”.

I know my hair is thinning and my makeup isn’t what it used to be….I think I just need some SUN!