Category: Family

My 4-Month Anniversary

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On this, the 4-month anniversary (or “annie”-versary) of my ruptured aneurysm and coiling surgery, I am trying to reflect on what I HAVE been able to accomplish during my recovery, instead of what I still can’t do. It goes something like this

Four months from the time of my ruptured aneurysm, I am able to:

    Bend over without getting dizzy.
    Lift things heavier than a breakfast tray.
    Fill and unload the dishwasher without the aid of sitting down.
    Go downstairs to the basement.
    Do laundry.
    Go downstairs to feed the cats.
    Shower and bath unaided by a seat.
    Dry my hair standing up.
    Make meals.
    Sit at the computer for a few hours.
    Lay down without my head pounding.
    Control most head pain I have without Vicodin, but with Tylenol.
    Go into a store, albeit smaller ones still.
    Drive!
    Go to work part-time.
    Sneeze without fear of my coils exploding.
    Go to a movie.
    Fill the bird feeders.
    Walk without the aid of a cane.
    Laugh and not get too exhausted.
    See my psychologist.
    Read a little bit more and it doesn’t bother me.
    Make the bed.
    Make love. (it’s gotta be said for those other survivors who are reading this and are nervous about themselves.)
    Bake a cake.
    Clean the house a little bit more.
    Speak to other annie survivors.
    Plan my future!
    LIVE!

I’m sure there are more things I’m forgetting, but those are the biggies that I’m recalling needing so much assistance with during those first few weeks when I arrived home after 20 days in the hospital. There are still downsides to my recovery, but today I choose to acknowledge the things I CAN do now, that I wasn’t able to before. ‘nuff said.

Doctor’s Visit

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I had a Dr’s appointment with my regular physician today. Not only is she my doctor, but she is my physical therapist doing some OMT therapy on my neck for probably going on two years now. I had not seen her since my rupture in October.

I wasn’t sure we’d get to the therapy part of my visit and I was right. She did some brief, subtle manipulation on my neck towards the end of the visit, but for the most part we spent the time discussing my aneurysm.

I also needed to get a prescription from her: The antibiotics I need to take before dental or any medical procedures for the rest of my life. As mentioned in another entry, I was not well-informed on this issue, but I now have a prescription to take four 50 mg pills an hour before any procedure. I hope to God they’re not horse pills and I have no allergic reaction to them. We’ll see next Thursday when I go BACK for my cleaning.

She was also able to get me a referral for a neurologist in the area, which I’m very glad about. The neurosurgeon she’s recommending is part of the group that comes up to Waterville that’s associated with Dr. D’Angelo, who was my neurosurgeon in Portland. I trusted him and liked him, so I would trust someone he hired to be apart of this group.

The big issue that arose during this visit was that she recommended, rather TOLD me, to stop taking birth control pills. She first asked if anyone had told me to stop taking them….um…no! She said there are many risks, not only with women my age, but due to the aneurysm and the surgery, there are other risks and that I should stop and think about having my tubes tied, or other options, I would need to discuss with Dave for obvious reason.

I was totally unprepared for this and became quite emotional during my visit. There was a lot of information thrown at me in a short amount of time, and I was totally unprepared for it and don’t even remember all she said. I didn’t really know why I became so emotional and apologized for it, but she reminded me: the aneurysm has caused so much disruption in my life, I have every right to be emotional and that it’s okay to cry, but it hurts when I do! Double-edged sword there. Not only the near-death aspect of it, but it has effected my health, my life, my love life, my work life, my play life……everything, so this one other, unexpected side-effect, kind of blind-sided me. I’m probably far too emotional about it than I need to be, but I can’t seem to stop it just yet.

I’m not comfortable stopping the Pill cold turkey without speaking to my OBGYN, which will be my next step.

So, todays visit helped resolve some issues, but brought up some new ones. We won’t have  PT session until April to still give me time to rest and heal. It’s coming up on my four month anniversary…..it truly hasn’t been that long in the grand scheme of what has happened, so I need to remember that.

Planning

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Planning…I’m not doing much of it right now. I don’t feel I can safely plan a trip anywhere. I have a thought about some place I’d like to go, but then it’s quickly dismissed due to not knowing how traveling will effect me.

Dave and I love Disney. We have made two trips there and I’m pretty sure we’d both love to go again. I know I couldn’t do the trip right now. But what about a year from now? Could I even safely begin to plan something like that? No. I don’t think so. And even if we did plan a trip a year or so down the road, how do I know that once we get there, I couldn’t stand in line that long. Can I ride my favorite rides? Can I sit in an enclosed space with hundred of other people? Can I even get on a plane? Right now…..I’d say “no”….and that’s sad.

We’d love to go to Scotland and right now that size of a trip is so daunting, I’d say it’ll never happen….and that’s sad.

Even a trip back to NY to visit my family is a daunting prospect. Could I handle the 11 hour drive in car? Right now….I’d have to say “no”. And even if I could endure the ride, I’d probably be so totally exhausted by the time we got there, I’d be a useless visitor and have to sit and rest so much it wouldn’t be fun for me, or my family. And that’s sad.

Dave and I haven’t even gone out to a restaurant to eat. Mostly due to my not knowing if I could do it and not feel horrible. I’d hate to make a reservation, only to get there, have the lights in the restaurant, or the colors, or the people and sounds bother my head and eyes that we’d have to leave. I don’t want to ruin my own time, as well as someone else’s. I feel like I’m not only holding myself back from enjoying life again,
but that I’m holding Dave back and I hate that.

I kind of know what my mother went through as she was trying to adjust to life with Crohn’s disease. She wouldn’t go out or travel because she never knew when an attack would strike and didn’t want to embarrass herself and ruin other people’s time. I completely understand that now. BUT, she was able to get her diet and health regulated so she can go out now and is enjoying her life at 80. I suppose I should take a cue from her and just learn to live my life again.

Starting with a long day-trip somewhere, then work our way up to an over-nighter and then maybe an out-of-state trip, might be the way to go, but I won’t know until I try it. Driving to work was a big step and it took me awhile to work my way up to where I felt confident I could do it.

I know I won’t know until I start DOING these things, but it’s scary when you DO know you can’t do some of those things and plan for them and may not be able to for a long time yet.

That’s my sob story for today. Boo, hoo.

The Frustration with the Frustration

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It has now come to my being frustrated…because I’m frustrated! Yikes!

I get frustrated when I can’t just up and do something that I used to be able to do….like get in the car and go to the grocery store. I don’t like HAVING to rely on people do so much for me, especially when I CAN do other things, but not some still. Stores are still the biggy for me. So it’s double frustrating.

I feel guilty asking for something. I feel like I’m a burden sometimes. I know I AM, but I don’t like feeling that way. But I can’t help it sometimes…I have to be. I don’t like it anymore than they do. I just can’t do the big stores yet. I know I can’t when the smaller stores still bother me.

I could only un-decorate HALF the Christmas tree and Dave ended up  having to take down literally everything else. I felt so horrible, just sitting up was a struggle. I hate to have him do that and wish I could have done more. I may have been able to, but much later in the day and even then, not sure how much.

It’s frustrating being frustrated!