Category: Sadness

Christmas Time

Published on by heiditeaLeave a comment

Today, I turned another year older. It was a good day. I got some wonderful gifts and enjoyed a lovely dinner out with friends, which I desparately needed. Not the dinner, but the fun with friends.

Since losing Dori at the end of May, I’ve basically been running on fumes. Well, that and food. I’ve gained so much weight. Maybe I thought if I comforted myself with comfort food, it would some how makes things feel better. I think the only void food has filled is my waistline, hips and thighs. It certainly hasn’t had any kind of “healing” per say, but it helped at that moment I guess.

Now that I’m finally getting some time off of work, it’s all hitting me. Everything reminds me of Dori. Just as it was that first Christmas after we lost Kim, there are so many memories and items that trigger those memories…the only difference is that I knew Dori all of my life, where I had only known Kim the last 10 years of her life. Still a long time to miss her horribly, but not nearly the number of memories I have with Dori.

Childhood memories of Christmas’s spend with Dori in our bedroom we shared growing up and of singing carols later in life to shared moments of joy and sadness within our own family over the years. We lost our father in 1994…my brother-in-law was killed two months before Christmas and a month before his daughter was to become a year old. All very bittersweet holidays, but we got through them.

Each Christmas card we receive this year is filled with the usual holiday greetings of peace and good health, then I’m thrown by a mention of Dori. It’s not that I’m trying to forget her, it’s just taking me by surprise in these cards and it brings up the sad reminder that she’s no longer with us and reminds me especially, that it was a damn brain aneurysm that caused it.

I won’t be able to watch A CHRISTMAS STORY this year. Too many memories of watching that and making references to it. Maybe next year. I won’t be watching LOVE ACTUALLY either. Amongst all the funny story lines in the moving, there is also one that is quite sad and I’m not sure I want to deal with it just now. Maybe next year. I’m not even sure about National Lampoon’s CHRISTMAS VACATION. Dori and I saw that in the movie theater when it first came out. We weren’t that old, but found ourselves extremely annoyed by all the rude teenagers in the sold-out theater. LOL

I AM listening to Christmas carols and enjoying that. I know Dori loved carols and it doesn’t make me sad, except to hear THE BELL THAT COULDN’T JINGLE because I know she loved that song and JESU is hard to listen to because she used to play that on the piano.

Dave and I are not going to NY for Christmas this year, like we did last year. The family Christmas I craved last year was wonderful and a memory I’ll always cherise because it was the last time I saw Dori in person. The gifts for family back in NY were packed and sent back home. I usually made all of those arrangements with Dori and we always shared a ton of emails back and forth on what to get everyone and sending lists back and forth. Not much list swapping going on this year and we’re all fine with that. It will be a simple, quiet Christmas this year. It just has to be.

As I was helping Dave find some gift bags, I ran across many of the gift bags we were given last year and saw many bags with Dori’s handwriting on them. Again…another sad, and unexpecteed reminder. I know the day will come when that sort of thing will make me smile rather than feel sad, but for this year, the sadness will prevail. It has to….we’re all still greiving. It’s a part of the damn process. Another loss…another brain aneurysm.

I keep waiting for a sign from Dori to snap out of it, stop eating crap, and take better care of myself, but she and I both know that it’s hard to lose a loved one and it’s harder for those left behind to adjust to life again. Perhaps the new year will yield better results for my health and there will be no more issues with my own brain aneurysms. I still have to live with those on a daily basis. Lately, I don’t want anything to do with aneurysms, or talking about them, but I know opening up about the strain, stress and ordeals with others is helpful. I’m not sure how helpful this blog entry will be for anyone  but I needed to get it out, so thank you for allowing me the space and bandwidth to do so.

My hope for anyone whose life has been effected by a brain aneurysm finds comfort, guidance, and strength for the New Year. I know I’ll be asking God for all of the above for my own family. God Bless and Merry Christmas.

First Major Holiday

Published on by heiditeaLeave a comment

Although I haven’t spent Thanksgiving with my family back in NY since 2008, I was with them in spirit yesterday. It’s the start of the “firsts” — holidays without Dori. From the sounds of it, they did okay. It will forever be different, something we learned after Kim died in 2008. The small holiday celebrations we used to have are forever changed as a result and my family in NY are just only beginning that stage. It’s painful and depressing at times, but it has to be done…life does go on, as painful as it is without those we love and miss.

Ian and Dori Xmas 2011I am sooooo grateful I insisted on that “family Christmas” last year and Dave and I drove to NY and spent Christmas with my family. As it turned out, it was the last time I ever saw Dori. We had a wonderful time and those are memories, and photos, I will treasure. I soooo wish I could have shared our photos from London with her. I know she would have loved our stories and images.

This Christmas, as was our first Christmas after Kim died, will be very different for Dori’s son and husband. They’ll soon realize just how much Dori did and meant to them at these holiday times. I know I’ll remember so many things about our growing up together and later as adults that we shared during the holidays. I need to remember those time and not let them fade. I need to smile, cry, get angry and let it out should I need to. It’s all part of the grieving process as much as I hate it. It’s only been six months since Dori died…yes, I’m still grieving and I miss her very, very much.

Since my survival of my own ruptured brain aneurysm, and Kim’s death as a result of aYep, this will work! rupture, I’ve made it a goal to educate people and enlighten their loved ones about the symptoms, treatments and after-effects of an aneurysm, but right now, after I lost my sister to a rupture….I just don’t even want to talk about them, hear about them, or look at them, but I guess I still have to. I’ll never get away from them, but perhaps, just perhaps, I can sneak in a few days during the holiday season where I won’t think about them for a few days. I can dream,  but that’s my new reality. Dammit.

Touching More Lives

Published on by heiditeaLeave a comment

We attended the first Mystery Ride in New Hampshire over the weekend where we joined the Alton, NH American Legion Riders, Chapter 8, a charitable veterans group, to solve a murder mystery and raise funds for The Brain Aneurysm Foundation. Participants followed the clue map to each stop around scenic Lake Winnipesaukee and picked up clues to solve the mystery of who murdered Hugh Mann Body.

Dave and I were in charge of the last stop (and clue) on the map and set up our Brain Aneurysm tent. It was a beautiful day out and we welcomed the bikers and some other civilians in their cars as they went in search of clues for a wonderful story written by an aneurysm survivor (and event organizer), Julie.

We have to admit hearing and seeing the 15 or so motorcycles turn into our stop all at once was quite a sight. As much as we wanted more to participate, it was still pretty exciting to see those that DID participate. They all seemed to enjoy the mystery and their help in bringing awareness and money to Brain Aneurysm was greatly appreciated.

The Silent Auction was a huge hit and all of the money raised from that, as well as individual donations, and a 50/50 raffle will go to genetic research for familiar aneurysms. Julie decided to give that money to the Brain Aneurysm Foundation in my sister Dori’s name. I was very moved and touched she did that.

They were also able to connect with at least two other survivors and that is really what part of the events like this is about. The more people you can connect with, the more of a community you can build. One woman had survived a pretty awful rupture just a couple of months ago. She was doing GREAT! And an older woman discovered she had 3 brain aneurysm and an aortic aneurysm, but was there ready to to kick butt in the silent auction!

As with our KAT-Walk event, in some years it’s not about the quantity of the people who participate, but the quality of the people and I’d say we had some top-notch, salt-of-the-earth folks who cared about a cause that was very near and dear to their friend.

Thank you to EVERYONE who participated, contributed, and cared. For a few PHOTOS from the event, CLICK HERE>>

That Kind of a Day

Published on by heiditeaLeave a comment

I think I kind of suspected a day like I’m having today was coming, which is why I chose to take the day off work because Dave was going to be out all day. Don’t get me wrong, I adore Dave and he has been my rock and my angel, but I think I knew today needed to be a “me” day and no amount of comfort was going to help me get through it. I just had to “do it” as my nephew Ian used to say with great conviction. And I needed to be alone.

Since losing my sister Dori to a ruptured brain aneurysm, I’ve really only cried three times. That probably seems like a very low number to many people. I know my own family members have cried on a daily basis at times. For some reason, since my own rupture, my crying mechanism isn’t the same as it was pre-rupture. I can’t explain it, I just KNOW it is. I also know crying takes a lot out of me since my rupture, so maybe subconsciously I try to avoid crying at all costs….I don’t think that’s it though. My emotional triggers are just “different’ for lack of a better word. I am very sad, very emotional, but crying just doesn’t come as easily as it used to.

I could start to tell I might need a good cry the last week or so. I’ve been quite depressed and lacked motivation to do anything…even make a proper tea, which is very unlike me. Just plop the bag in the mug and I’m done for today. Gasp! Dave left for Portland this morning and I didn’t even hear him leave God bless his heart.

However, the kitties had other ideas and kept coming in to wake me. I knew I needed sleep. I was over-tired and had been having trouble getting to sleep, so I forced myself to stay in bed and get some sleep. I dreamt about Dori though, which always makes me sad when I wake up. Thankfully, when I dream about her, she’s healthy. As I did after my Dad died, I dreamt of him when he was healthy, not as I last saw him in the hospital. I’m glad I don’t dream of Dori in the hospital. It was very difficult to see her in that condition when technically, we had already lost her.

So I woke up already sad and went from there. I listened to music, read outside and tried to just relax and rest. I went out to the road to get the mail and a trigger in the mail started my tears of grief. Several years ago I purchased a Christmas gift for my nephew from the “Adopt A Loon” association in the Adirondacks. I’m not sure if Dori, Jon and Ian ever located their adopted loon, but I knew it was Dori’s favorite bird and thought they’d get a kick out of that. Every year since then I get the newletter from the association in the mail and today was that day. I started to open it, saw the headlines announcing upcoming fundraising events and couldn’t finish opening it. In fact, as the tears started to flow, I ended up just throwing it in the trash.

The next 30 minutes were howls and shrieks of questions that no one can answer. No one. There are no answers for the questions I ask now. No one knows why Dori was chosen. No one knows why the Dr.’s didn’t check her for brain aneurysms. Why didn’t they? What was the excuse given when it was requested? Why didn’t the neurologists look into it before her back surgery? Why? Why? I don’t understand and there is no one who can answer that question for me. Why didn’t I die after my rupture? Why did Kim have to die from hers too? I don’t understand.

I tried to get my sisters to get scanned after my rupture in 2006. It isn’t something I can MAKE them do, but if Dori had…they would have seen the aneurysm and chances are she’d still be here today. I’m having a very, very difficult time with that one. I haven’t been in the position of having to actually make that decision to see if I may have a potentially life-threatening condition, but I’m sure fear is the overriding concern. And I guess I didn’t do a very good job of projecting the advantages of getting scanned prior to having it rupture to my sisters. Now….I have lost one. Do I blame myself? A little bit, yes. Could I have pushed more and become a real pain in the ass to my sisters? Yes, I could have, but I didn’t. And now my older sister has since lost her job and has no insurance. I HATE that health insurance is now the only reason preventing her getting scanned.

She may not even have an aneurysm, which would be great. And even if she does have one, that does not mean it will rupture and ever become an issue, but she can monitor it and she’ll KNOW it’s there and perhaps take better care of herself. Wait…do I take care of MYSELF better now that I know I have another brain aneurysm sitting there? No, not exactly. I still drink wine with dinner, I hardly exercise, I don’t eat that great…..life can really suck sometime’s can’t it? Even the healthiest of individual can be taken by ruptured aneurysms. They didn’t KNOW they had them though, that’s the difference.

Both my sister were/are at high risk because of their age, they’re both smokers and they have a 1st degree relative who has aneurysms. I’m beginning to sound like a broken record….I’m tired of it too. Right now, I lack the energy to fight the system, or God, or whomever it is I feel like I’m fighting to get answers. I don’t know….at times I don’t care. If people choose not to get scanned, that’s there business. All I can do is present them with the pros and cons of knowing you have a brain aneurysm and let them lead their lives. I just hate….HATE that my sister Dori has now become one of those damn statistics. But this particular “statistic” was one I spent my entire life with. This particular statistic left behind a beautiful 15-year old boy and a husband.

I don’t understand it and never will….it’s just grief and I know that, but it sure stinks.