Category: Fear

Work in Progress

Published on by heiditeaLeave a comment

Just when I think I’m doing okay and getting into the swing of things with work and can possible increase my hours, I have a day like today where I had two meetings, did a lot of work on my computer and it almost did me in to the point I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to drive home.

One of the meetings dealt with part of the process that involves the catalog and it just got me thinking about “that time of the year” and if I’m going to be able to handle the
stress and strain of it this year. I have one day where I think it won’t be a problem, then I have a day like today where my stamina and concentration just is not what it should be and that really concerns me. What if I’m not able to do it? It’s still a few months off, but it WILL come, there’s no avoiding it. The stress and strain will always be there and now with some added duties at work, I’m very concerned. Just doing my normal job of doing ads and other projects is keeping my mind and stamina busy right now.

I think I’m going to have to get some kind of regimen in place to help me deal with it all. A health, work and stress plan. Other wise I’m not going to be much good. OR…perhaps I’ll see if I can complete the catalog WITHOUT devoting myself so completely to the job. It’s a concern, but I have some time to plan for it.

Planning

Published on by heiditeaLeave a comment

Planning…I’m not doing much of it right now. I don’t feel I can safely plan a trip anywhere. I have a thought about some place I’d like to go, but then it’s quickly dismissed due to not knowing how traveling will effect me.

Dave and I love Disney. We have made two trips there and I’m pretty sure we’d both love to go again. I know I couldn’t do the trip right now. But what about a year from now? Could I even safely begin to plan something like that? No. I don’t think so. And even if we did plan a trip a year or so down the road, how do I know that once we get there, I couldn’t stand in line that long. Can I ride my favorite rides? Can I sit in an enclosed space with hundred of other people? Can I even get on a plane? Right now…..I’d say “no”….and that’s sad.

We’d love to go to Scotland and right now that size of a trip is so daunting, I’d say it’ll never happen….and that’s sad.

Even a trip back to NY to visit my family is a daunting prospect. Could I handle the 11 hour drive in car? Right now….I’d have to say “no”. And even if I could endure the ride, I’d probably be so totally exhausted by the time we got there, I’d be a useless visitor and have to sit and rest so much it wouldn’t be fun for me, or my family. And that’s sad.

Dave and I haven’t even gone out to a restaurant to eat. Mostly due to my not knowing if I could do it and not feel horrible. I’d hate to make a reservation, only to get there, have the lights in the restaurant, or the colors, or the people and sounds bother my head and eyes that we’d have to leave. I don’t want to ruin my own time, as well as someone else’s. I feel like I’m not only holding myself back from enjoying life again,
but that I’m holding Dave back and I hate that.

I kind of know what my mother went through as she was trying to adjust to life with Crohn’s disease. She wouldn’t go out or travel because she never knew when an attack would strike and didn’t want to embarrass herself and ruin other people’s time. I completely understand that now. BUT, she was able to get her diet and health regulated so she can go out now and is enjoying her life at 80. I suppose I should take a cue from her and just learn to live my life again.

Starting with a long day-trip somewhere, then work our way up to an over-nighter and then maybe an out-of-state trip, might be the way to go, but I won’t know until I try it. Driving to work was a big step and it took me awhile to work my way up to where I felt confident I could do it.

I know I won’t know until I start DOING these things, but it’s scary when you DO know you can’t do some of those things and plan for them and may not be able to for a long time yet.

That’s my sob story for today. Boo, hoo.

Pseudo Migraine

Published on by heiditeaLeave a comment

I had a really good day on Friday. I never had to take a pain pill (only a Sudafed very late in the day) and I seemed to have some energy.

I did about five ads for work at my computer, ate really well, walked 20 minutes and even drove Dave and I into town to pick up a pizza for lunch. So, it was with great surprise that
Saturday turned out to be so crappy.

I awoke with some pain, but that’s nothing unusual. I ate breakfast and felt better. Took a shower while Dave went
to the dump. When he returned, he got all the Christmas storage boxes down and we began putting Christmas away finally.

My job was the tree. I got about half of it undecorated, then proceeded to completely poop out and get a little dizzy due to all the turning around and bending over. I guess I was thinking un-decorating the tree wouldn’t effect me as much as decorating it did seeing how it was almost a month later. Guess not.

Then, my eyes started to give me trouble. CRAP! Another migraine? I didn’t want to take any chances if it was, so I
immediately took two Excedrin Migraine pills and went to bed for a bit. I had some pain for awhile, but nothing major. I got up to eat something and the pain wasn’t bad, but I sure had no energy and didn’t feel good in general. I felt that
way the rest of the day.

Perhaps it was just sinus or everything I had done on Friday was effecting me the day after. I don’t have a clue. I
couldn’t take another pill until around 7 p.m.. Since Benedryl had helped earlier in the week with my sinus, I took another one of those, but it really didn’t help. I didn’t feel good right up until I went to bed. Pretty much all day…which meant poor Dave was left doing everything again. Why does he put up with me?

It’s frustrating when I get a false alarm on a migraine, but I don’t want to NOT treat it if it feels like one. The Excedrin always makes me feel woozy and jittery any way, but at least it helps with the duration and intensity of the migraine pain…IF it’s a migraine.

I don’t like not knowing what’s causing my pain. Before the aneurysm, I knew a migraine from a regular head ache. I
knew a Sinus headache…I know a stress headache. And, in turn, I knew what to take for it, but when I take something to help pain that I don’t know what thenroot cause of it is, then it turns out NOT to help, I can’t take anything else
for awhile, so then I suffer.

I guess I really need to find that neurologist now so perhaps they can help me know what’s serious, what’s sinus,
what’s aneursym, what’s migraine and what might require a new scan. It’s true I feel having another check up and scan six months after something this serious is a long time to wait. But I guess that’s the norm and it’s normal to be concerned when you have head pain after an aneursym. Even though the neuroradiologist told me a signal for a problem with the existing aneurysm would be something more catastrophic, I can’t help but think that another aneurysm has developed and these are symptoms of it. How can I not when I had an aneurysm before, but never knew it. I know I”m just being paranoid, but some days, it’s hard not too be.

I guess this blog has become the “complain and whine” blog. I know other people are going through much worse than me right now and probably never complain. God bless them. I guess my threshold for pain is just too low and I need to vent.

The Big Drive!

Published on by heiditeaLeave a comment

I work 30 miles away from my house. It’s a nice 60 mile drive round trip and especially icky on winter days, but since we have had no winter yet to speak of, I thought I’d try the drive today on my day off from work.

I had a Dr’s appointment up in that area. I had Dave drive me up in my car to the appointment, then I drove home. The “busier” part of the trip was at the start, so the easier part was towards the end. It really worked out well, especially at that time of day. Noonish.

The drive didn’t really bother me. I noticed my concentration kind of wavered a bit once we got closer to home, but that may have only been due to the fact I was very hungry and there wasn’t as much to keep me at attention during that section.  You forget just how much you should concentrate while driving…and how much I just took for granted. It’s taxing.

As my friend Deb in NY said after I told her about the drive:“We forget how much concentration driving actually requires until we don’t do it for a while. Sometimes, some of us should keep in mind just how much we should be concentrating on our driving instead of putting lipstick on, lighting a cig, drinking coffee, eating something…(and I can do ALL of those
things AND drive stick, but really, should I?  I think not…)”

This was a big step today. I’m glad I did it. Not sure I’m just ready yet for the whole drive and it may not happen again for a couple of weeks, but at least I know my limitations a little bit and at least one way….it wasn’t bad. I was tired and my eyes were bothering me, but nothing horrible.  So, that’s a very good thing.