I’m always seeing survivors, not just brain aneurysm survivors, say they’re grateful for every day they’ve been given, or they wake up each day and feel that gratitude, and live their lives differently as a result of surviving. I have mentioned this before, but I guess I’m not one of those.

That’s not to say I am NOT grateful, blessed, lucky, and fortunate to be alive when others aren’t so lucky, but I feel I have not honored that gift that I’ve been given properly. In fact, I can honestly say I have abused that gift.

Have I taken better care of myself since my last report with the neurosurgeon? Nope. I still eat crap, still don’t exercise enough, and still drink wine – somedays a LOT of it. Instead of waking up and telling myself I’m going to run a 5k, I chose not to do much of anything to promote my survival. Which is a HUGE disservice to so many people who have helped me get to this point in my life: my family, my husband, my friends, and more importantly the doctors who have saved my life on a few occasions since 2006.

Many survivors make major changes in their lives: eat better, exercise more, get new less-stressful jobs, dedicate their lives to helping others…or run a 5k or marathon. I admire them, but that is not something I have done. Yes, I am part of our local brain aneurysm group and I help when I can and where I can, but I could certainly be doing more. And should be doing more.

I recently retired and now that I don’t have the daily stresses of the job, I’m feeling more retrospective than usual. I am also feeling guilty for not honoring the gift I’ve been given. SAYING I’m going to do better and DOING it are two very different things. Yes, it’s easier to eat better on a sunny day when your mood is lifted, but on those dark and stormy days in January, one feels more inclined to seek comfort in food, drink, and laying around. Yep…that’s my M.O.

For those who DO run 5ks and marathons, good for you. You keep doing you. I will never run a 5k, nor do I ever want to. I only run if someone is chasing me. But why does running a 5k seem to be the most important thing for survivors to do? And why do 5ks seem to represent the one way survivors honor their survival? Doesn’t every survivor, who just wakes up the next day and LIVE, a 5k-type of event? Nope…they don’t get that kind of recognition. For those who have trouble moving during the day and have additional physical ailments, just getting out of bed in the morning is a huge accomplishment and should be celebrated just like getting interviewed for the local TV for finishing a 5k and for getting an article in a magazine because you ran a 5k…and of course it also helps if you’re an attractive blond and is thin and already fit not a chubby 60-year old, right?

This past week I learned that a fellow brain aneurysm survivor, Helen, passed away at the age of 71. I’m so very sad about this. She was a loving, kind, and strong woman who had endured many struggles like the loss of a young child well before she had to survive a brain aneurysm. THAT deserves praise. THAT deserves notice. She and her husband, who is blind, have had a rough time, but have maintained positivity and warmth whenever we’ve met with them. Helen had many physical limitations later in her life that effected every aspect of their lives. I will always remember her fantastic smiles, warm hugs, and terrific cooking.

Helen wanted to give back to the brain aneurysm community and she asked Dave and I if she could add beading to our brain aneurysm survivor pins. We had no idea just how beautiful these would be, nor the amount of work she’d put into them. The Native American beading was a talent of Helen’s and it gave her a “job” to do and eased her back into creating this beautiful artwork. I proudly keep her pin on my purse and it always produces positive comments and I always give Helen credit. I will treasure this small gift even more now.

Knowing Helen was a gift. My being on this planet is a gift. I need to stop abusing these gifts and step up to honor them. I AM fortunate and blessed. I just need to act like it…just not with a 5k in case I haven’t mentioned that before. 🙂