Thinking

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. So…since it’s MY blog, I can write about it. (It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to?)

Mother’s Day is coming up next month. More and more emails and newsletters are coming into my inbox loaded with ideas on gifts to give your mother and places to take her. This will be my first Mother’s Day without my mom. I miss her voice…I miss her laugh…I miss her humor…I miss her political point of view….I just plain miss her. I saw a cardinal in the yard last weekend. I think she paid me a brief visit…or maybe it was Dori.

Another reason I don’l look forward to Mother’s Day is because that’s the day Dori suffered her ruptured brain aneurysm. I think about her pretty much every day too. I miss her laugh…I miss her voice…I miss her humor and I’m still devastated she died from her brain aneurysm and I’m still here after two.

At my niece’s wedding last month, I missed mom, Dori and Rhonda. They all should have been there for such a wonderful, fun event. They would have loved it. Sunshine, laughter, music, and beer. I know they were all there in spirit, but it sure would have been more fun if they had physically been there. It was awfully nice to give a speech for a positive event though and not another memorial service. Jenny deserves all of the happiness in the world.

Then our next brain aneurysm support group has a presentation from my neuro surgeon about the pipeline device for aneurysms. This is the next type of treatment he’s been recommending to me for my aneurysm that is still giving me issues. If the procedure was just doing the pipeline, I probably wouldn’t be that nervous, but because they’d be inserting a pipeline INSIDE an existing stent inserted a few yars ago, that is what makes me very nervous.

For some reason the fear I feel for this next procedure is even more so than my open brain surgery last January. Putting the pipeline inside a stent is something that hasn’t been documented. I’m not sure I want to be the poster child for that procedure, but I might not have much choice. There is blood getting back into the neck of the aneurysm and with 16 coils and a stent already being used on this puppy, my options are getting limited.

Something will have to be done before the darn thing blows or leaks or causes other issues. It’s the aneurysm that has already ruptured in 2006 and is sitting on my optical nerve. Goody!

A short time after that appointment earlier in the year, I decided if I were healthier there’d be less risk of my suffering a stroke during any upcoming procedures and I made the decision to start eating better and exercising. I’ve done great with the eating better…it’s still the exercise part that I’m having issues with.

I have lost over 15 pounds, dropped a pant size and feel better. I’m certainly making better food choices as well and showing terrific restraint without starving myself yet still rewarding myself. Will all of this prevent a stroke? Probably not. Will it help with a faster recovery? It may…or it may not. Will it all have been for naught? Perhaps. Am I being a worry wart over nothing? Could be. But it all makes me think.

With some close friends battling cancer at the moment and a much-loved public sports figure losing his battle with cancer, it’s a dramatic reminder at how short life can be. Will the third time on my original aneurysm be the charm, or will it be the one time things don’t go well? Do I have a reason to be scared? Of course I do. Could I lose my eye sight and put my job in jeapardy? It sure could. It’s all concerning and I will HAVE to think about it.

Thinking can be dangerous. There are so many paths your mind can take you down, but I have to keep reminding myself, I’m stil here…I know my aneurysm is there and we’re monitoring it. I have the upper hand at the moment and I’d like to keep it that way. Knowledge is power, but it doesn’t mean it’s not scary.