Category: Sadness

Walk for Thought 2009

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We’re home from the 2009 Walk For Thought for the Brain Injury Association of Maine. It was on a much smaller scale than last year, but with the same passion and drive of the volunteers and participants.

The event was at a Junior High School gym. Much smaller than the large indoor track we had the college last year, so it was boring scenery that came by much quicker! LOL It was 22 laps around the gym to roughly equal a mile. We only got to 2 1/2 miles. It was a tough walk with people in a smaller space and having to be careful of folks in wheel chairs, one blind person with a helper and a few baby strollers being pushed. It was very cold outside and they didn’t designate an outdoor route, so it was all indoors.

But, as it was last year, it was very well organized with a lot of care and attention. I donated the t-shirt I was given, back to the BIAME to help fund the costs of the events. I raised a total of $753 dollars this year. Almost half of what I raised last year, but with the current economy, I was shocked I reached my initial $500 goal.

Obviously, Dave and I had Kim on our minds and in our hearts today and I was thinking about Jennifer a great deal as well. When we signed the “Wall Of Fame” poster, we signed it “in loving memory of Kim & Jennifer.”

It was a pretty short event as well. We started the walk at 9:30 and by 10:30, lunch had been delivered and the crowd started to thin out. When we reach 2 1/2 miles, tables and chairs were being put away and things were being taken off the wall. I think we would have walked a little bit more, but we felt the pressure of stopping! LOL

There was one man there by himself. I saw him walk in and sit at a table behind us for breakfast. He had a photograph with him and kept taking it out and staring at it. Obviously, he was walking there today with someone in mind as well. There was another man who we saw last year. He’s in a wheelchair, but used a walker to make several laps last year. He was doing a lot better this year with the walker and had a lot more speed. I commented to one of the women who was with him that he was doing better, but she said he was having difficulty looking at the floor. I agreed that was an issue…I kind of realized after awhile that it was bothering me too. There was a small pattern to the glossy wood floor.

Instead of the live band this year, they had a D.J. playing some tunes. It was fun and helped pass the time once Dave and I started to wind down. I’m hoping the other walks in the area have bigger turn outs and get more money. They said there were 50 walkers registered today, so that’s down from last year.

We’re both a little sore and quite tired, but I’m glad we did it again and will no doubt participate next year as well.

Brain Injuries

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What a sad story about Natasha Richardson. Yet again, we’re shown how fragile life is and how quickly it can be changed or taken away. My prayers go out to her family and children.

This is one of the things about post-annie that I’ve always been worried about…that accidental fall that could damage the coiling. I know that often times when I’ve almost stumbled over the cat, or lost my balance and caught myself suddenly, I still feel it where my annie is. Even after two and a half years. I was in a minor car accident last November and I have had the thought about what if it had been more severe…would I sustain more of an injury than a normal person due to my annie if it had been more serious? Hopefully, I’ll never find out.

Devastating Couple of Weeks

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A few days after Christmas, we received news that Dave’s niece, Kim, had died of a massive ruptured brain aneurysm. It was bad enough we lost her at the all-too young age of 32, but once we found out the cause of death, it threw a level of other issues at me because I too, had suffered a ruptured aneurysm.

Why did mine rupture the way it did and why didn’t I die? Why? Why? Why? All questions one can’t answer. I have my own “whys”, her mother has her own “whys” as do many other people. Like most undetected annies, Kim didn’t know she had it and as far as everyone knew, she was very healthy and living an active, if not stressful, life at the time of her death.

There are so many people who survive ruptures, so many who do not and even the consistent threads that DO link some of these people together such as smokers, hereditary, age, women….aren’t consistent enough for people to instantly know they have an annie. Some smokers who have a history of annies in their families, never get aneurysms, while other families have multiple deaths and ruptures in their families.

It was just the irony of Kim having one when she was not a blood relative of mine and didn’t display any of the so-called “symptoms” that may, or may not, occur from an annie. She did suffer from migraines, but so do millions of other people and they do not have aneurysms, so one can’t say that was a “sign” for sure. My mother had migraines, both my sisters do, my aunt and myself. I’ve had two first cousins with annies and myself.  I wish my sisters and niece would get CTA’s. At least if you KNOW you have one, you have a fighting chance of surviving. If you don’t know you have one, and it ruptures, chances of survival decrease the older you get and obviously, the severity of the rupture, location and size of the aneurysm. So many factors
come in to play and it’s different for every person.

I started to look at it like suffering with an annie was something special and because the brain is effected, it’s just that much more serious than anyone else’s maladies, but truthfully, it’s no different than suffering a catastrophic heart attack or stroke, or being hit by a car. You may, or may not survive. Many are lucky, many are not and trying to figure out the “whys” can eat you alive.

As Dave says…”It is what it is.” and often times we just have to accept what “is” and move on no matter how terribly difficult it can be without those we love beside us.

Also today, I get news that my cousin Jennifer, who had been fighting a brain tumor since 1999 is close to death’s door. How painful it has been to read her brother’s posts on The Caring Bridge website about her battle and how terrible is must be for them to watch her deteriorate and not be able to help her in anyway. I know how helpless one can feel after watching my own father fade away from us for months. Jennifer has been so strong with her battle and always gave others strength. I pray God gives her entire family strength and comfort now as we wait for news.

Strength

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My 2nd cousin, Jennifer, has been battling brain cancer since 1999. The fact she’s even here is a miracle and yet she continues to show such strength and character through pain and trauma. I’m in awe.

Her brother, TR set up a web page on the website The Caring Bridge. I have never heard of this website, but it’s a fantastic way to keep a wide range of people from all over the country up-to-date on the progress she is making.

As I was reading the posts and Jennifer’s story, and realizing just how long she has been battling this, it struck close to home. It hit me that only a little over a year ago I may not have been here and here she is being so brave and putting on a strong face when she’s in so much pain………I got very emotional. It just hit me suddenly. I’m small change compared to what she has had to endure. I don’t know why it’s hitting me so strange…..perhaps I’ll find out when I see my therapist next week. Survivor’s guilt?

I also have two other 1st cousins who have battled aneurysms and thankfully, we’ve all WON, but with three 1st cousins with annies and the daughter of another with brain cancer, I’d think all of our cousins would be running to have MRI’s and angiograms….they SHOULD. I know my cousin Toby has had an MRI (I believe) since her sister and I had our annies coiled…and thank God everything looked good, but I worry about my two older (40’s & 50’s) sisters who are heavy coffee drinkers, drink alcohol and have been smokers for many years. All things I’ve read that make them at risk for annies. Hereditary, smoking and age – it makes me scared.

I’m scared for Jennifer and yet I’m hopeful the new and progressive treatments she is about to undertake will help her. God has kept her on this planet for a reason and hopefully he still has other plans for her here.

For those of you with family members battling illness, check out The Caring Bridge website. It’s a terrific vehicle for sharing and sending messages to those who need it.